The Confession Booth: Post something very personal about yourself

[Antonio the Sixth]

I'm twenty years old, and the farthest I've gone with a girl is a friendly hug.

[Antonio the Sixth]

Those of you who have yet to touch a female. Is it becuase you don't like them or because they don't like you?  No need to answer that one in a post. Just know thyself. And seize the day. Nobody's getting any younger.

Things are a tad more complicated than that... Having many female friends (and actually having found it easier to relate with girls than with guys in recent years), I can easily prove you wrong. You have to factor in things like having Aspergers (coupled with the natural awkwardness related to this kind issues) or my tendency to hold on to obviously unrealistic romantic ideals (laugh if you want).

[Antonio the Sixth]

Don't be friends with girls. There's your problem.

I'm sorry, but that's a kind of philosophy I just can't get behind. I'm not going to start flirting with a girl I don't have genuine feelings for, just because we know each other well. Friendship is a thing, love is another.

[Antonio the Sixth]

Don't be friends with girls. There's your problem.

I'm sorry, but that's a kind of philosophy I just can't get behind. I'm not going to start flirting with a girl I don't have genuine feelings for, just because we know each other well. Friendship is a thing, love is another.

You don't have to subscribe to it, but I have enough experience to know this is the root of all the guys here troubles, among other things. It is difficult to be friends with a girl because feelings always tend to develop or they just don't respect you as a man.

I am a friendly guy most of the time, but I have never gotten a girl by being "nice and attentive." It just doesn't work that way. It's weird, but that's nature.

I don't think we have the same definitions of "respect". I don't want to be "respected" for staying true to some primitive gender norms and placing the urge to have sex above any other form of emotional relationship. I'd like to be respected for being a just, honest and moral person, and for being myself respectful of someone else's feelings. Obviously this complicates the task a lot. It's certainly much easier to get laid by acting like an "alpha male" or whatever, but it's not only about getting laid. It's about building a healthy, lasting and profound relationship with a person I will dedicate a significant part of my life to. I like to hope that this is not entirely impossible.

[Antonio the Sixth]

Don't be friends with girls. There's your problem.

I'm sorry, but that's a kind of philosophy I just can't get behind. I'm not going to start flirting with a girl I don't have genuine feelings for, just because we know each other well. Friendship is a thing, love is another.

You don't have to subscribe to it, but I have enough experience to know this is the root of all the guys here troubles, among other things. It is difficult to be friends with a girl because feelings always tend to develop or they just don't respect you as a man.

I am a friendly guy most of the time, but I have never gotten a girl by being "nice and attentive." It just doesn't work that way. It's weird, but that's nature.

I don't think we have the same definitions of "respect". I don't want to be "respected" for staying true to some primitive gender norms and placing the urge to have sex above any other form of emotional relationship. I'd like to be respected for being a just, honest and moral person, and for being myself respectful of someone else's feelings. Obviously this complicates the task a lot. It's certainly much easier to get laid by acting like an "alpha male" or whatever, but it's not only about getting laid. It's about building a healthy, lasting and profound relationship with a person I will dedicate a significant part of my life to. I like to hope that this is not entirely impossible.

It's not about changing yourself. I dated a girl for two years that I loved to death. She taught me so much about myself and life in general, and those years we had together will always be with me. Respect, love, responsibility, honesty and forgiveness. She was amazing. I just hate distance ripped us apart.

I guess I am not explaining myself clearly on how to do this. I am not advocating treating girls like crap all the time or changing who you are, but often times guys get caught up with trying to be nice and being their best friend and they lose sight of everything else. Girls look to guys for security and a companion to compliment themselves. I am not telling you to change yourself. It is possible to find the right girl. It's just difficult sometimes and takes a lot of trial and error.

I don't think I'm losing sight of anything - not that I generally have a clear sight on the subject, I'll give you that - but I just think it's fair to expect for a deeper relationship to develop before taking the first step in that direction. I just see no reason to turn a genuine friendship into something different for no real reason. Firstly because my commitment then would not be sincere, and secondly because this would clearly have the potential to ruin everything. Of course, if I were to realize that I have romantic feelings for a friend (admittedly, I have no idea what those feelings look like), I like to think I would sincerely express them (not that it would be easy, but I'm not the kind of person who hides his emotions). This is the only attitude I could reasonably see myself adopting.

[Antonio the Sixth]

The key question then becomes (at least for me): how do you know when your feelings make you ready for a relationship that goes beyond friendship? And I'm talking about myself here. When do I know that I have feelings for someone? This is the part that has troubled me the most.

[Antonio the Sixth]

The key question then becomes (at least for me): how do you know when your feelings make you ready for a relationship that goes beyond friendship? And I'm talking about myself here. When do I know that I have feelings for someone? This is the part that has troubled me the most.

Difficult say, because we are not you. Myself, often time I know when I meet a girl that she is someone I could see myself with, and other times I know that she isn't someone I could see myself with. Generally, not to sound clique, but you will know when you meet someone who you actually want to date. I always trust my instinct. That isn't something you can really teach though.

That's what everybody's been telling me. And yeah, of course It's certainly true. Then the question becomes whether I am so picky that I haven't found anybody in 20 years of life, or whether I actually have but I'm just bad at interpreting my own feelings. I naturally err on the side of caution for this kind of things, so the latter seems plausible.

[Antonio the Sixth]

The key question then becomes (at least for me): how do you know when your feelings make you ready for a relationship that goes beyond friendship? And I'm talking about myself here. When do I know that I have feelings for someone? This is the part that has troubled me the most.

Difficult say, because we are not you. Myself, often time I know when I meet a girl that she is someone I could see myself with, and other times I know that she isn't someone I could see myself with. Generally, not to sound clique, but you will know when you meet someone who you actually want to date. I always trust my instinct. That isn't something you can really teach though.

That's what everybody's been telling me. And yeah, of course It's certainly true. Then the question becomes whether I am so picky that I haven't found anybody in 20 years of life, or whether I actually have but I'm just bad at interpreting my own feelings. I naturally err on the side of caution for this kind of things, so the latter seems plausible.

Obviously the biggest fear we all have is being rejected, but it happens to all of us, we learn, move on and are better people for it. I imagine you may have met someone you actually liked, but were too afraid to go for it and just settled for friends, but maybe not, I don't know.

The love game is a stressful one, but it gets easier after that first time, and it always burns when you lose a person that means a lot to you. Don't rush it though. Eventually you will find someone since you're a good guy. Just don't over think things, trust your instinct. That is my best advice.

All right, I don't want to get too specific about my private life (the Bushie Syndrome really doesn't tempt me), so I'll put it in vague and generic terms. I am pretty sure that I would indeed be strongly subject to fear of rejection, being in some respects extremely fragile emotionally. However, I can say in all honesty that this so far hasn't played out at the conscious level at least, because I think I'm still one step behind that. What I mean is that I haven't yet really seriously considered even the possibility of bringing up this topic, because there is an even deeper fear I have, which is the fear of starting a relationship only to realize later that my feelings weren't actually as deep as I thought they were. Again, I'm not talking of a concrete episode that happened to me but only about vague thoughts that have crossed my mind. I just would like to be sure I actually have feelings that go beyond a "very very very good friendship" before actually thinking about what to do about it.

Yes, I know, my mind is so messed up.

[Antonio the Sixth]

I have revealed more about my most intimate aspects than ever before on this forum. Whether you deem this interesting or not is obviously up to you.

[Antonio the Sixth]

[Antonio the Sixth]

[Antonio the Sixth]

+1 to the rejection of the advice about not having girls as friends.  That's only good advice if you suck at being assertive, chronically go with the path of least resistance, and/or resent it when the relationships you foster end up platonic.  I think all 3 of those are bad things.

#1 and #2 refer to me to some extent (I don't like being assertive and will only be so when I feel confident enough with a person and/or if the issue at stake is of critical importance to me), though certainly not #3.

[Antonio the Sixth]

Mirror mirror on the wall, was The Mikado right to lock it after all?

Honestly, I didn't expect much productive discussion to come out of this thread either. But still, it's a matter of principle.

[Antonio the Sixth]

One thing that a lot of people seem to forget when it comes to dating advice is that people are actually different. Duke's approach might work well for his personality and the girls he's interested in. That doesn't mean it's right for the rest of you.

There's a guy I hang out with a lot who works a lot on getting laid and is pretty successful at it. But only rarely would I have been interested in any of those girls (and that's not saying they're generally unattractive in an objective sense) and never have any of the ones I slept with had any inclination to go for him.

So, remember to develop an attitude that suits your personality and which works with the type of person you're interested in.

If you want insecure girls with daddy issues, being a jerk will work wonders. But if you don't it's much less effective. Etc, etc.

That's exactly what I was thinking. There is no "universal rule" in human relationships. We all have to approach this in a way that suits our personality.

[Antonio the Sixth]

I don't know about Memphis or his acquaintances, but personally I like talking with and befriending people, regardless of gender or attractiveness. I've no idea if I'm in a minority, but I certainly hope I'm not, because that's a pretty f**ked up worldview to have.

[Antonio the Sixth]

"I stand in the middle of the room looking helpless until someone comes up to me"

This is basically my approach at the entire life. Not entirely by choice, mind you.

[Antonio the Sixth]

I see what Realisticidealist is talking about and I admit I'm sometimes annoyed by certain aspect of the forum's consensus here as well. But the way you talk about most people here is deeply unfair and, honestly, pretty arrogant and self-righteous. Most posters here are, in my experience, nice, smart and overall great people who show deep interest in political debate and are generally willing to accept opposing opinions. You can disagree with people without collectively trashing them.

[Antonio the Sixth]

I received a handful of private messages from some of YOU who wanted to hook up with me. I will not name names, but one of the more brazen posters actually requested that I meet him in a hotel room and he promised me alcohol.

Jeez...

Yeah, wow. This place gets more disgusting every day.

[Antonio the Sixth]

That said, when there was debate concerning my gender and certain posters were assuming that I was female in anatomy, I received a handful of private messages from some of YOU who wanted to hook up with me. I will not name names, but one of the more brazen posters actually requested that I meet him in a hotel room and he promised me alcohol.

How old did you claim to be at the time? (Just asking out of interest and because of the strange "promised me alcohol" bit.)

At that time I was over 21 and I don't think I lied about that, but I don't remember exactly. His request wasn't illegal, just really really creepy.

Sometimes people are bad at the courtship thing. It goes both ways. No need to make yourself into a victim. I once had a coworker corner me and start rubbing her butt all over me. Take it as a compliment and move on. No need to get your panties all wadded. There are people with real problems out there.

What the hell is wrong with you?!?

[Antonio the Sixth]

That seems entirely reasonable, drj.

Just googled... yeah, it is.

[Antonio the Sixth]

I'm with Grumps here. I'd like to know it if the poster I'm communicating with is such a creep.

[Antonio the Sixth]

Nothing is gained from knowing who. My message was to be careful with your own conduct. What I will say to try and put this to rest is that the poster in question hasn't been active for a while.

How long is a while? A year? Two? Four?

[Antonio the Sixth]

Ah, I just found this!  This must be the source of the Nathan/memphis kerfuffle.  Count me on team memphis

How surprising.

[Antonio the Sixth]

I have a crush on a fictional character. Several.

Oh, interesting point! I also had one, when I was 14-15 (with some remnants of it for a few years).

[Antonio the Sixth]

But yeah, you might want to delete that post.

I will. Could you delete where you quoted it?

What was that post? I want to know!