Reassessing views due to personal experience

[Damocles]

I must say that my views on various subjects have changed quite dramatically as I got older. When I was a teenager, I had some psychological issues that prevented me from maintaining consistent peace of mind. I experienced the world chiefly as a series of isolated events with no connection to each other, rather than a holistic and unitive world. I thought of ideologies like Venetian masquerades - you’d put on a mask, take it off, put another one on, and so on. It was a convenient, safe, cohesive way of explaining the world when you had little to go on.

I was one of those kids who loved to read and learn new information. I fondly remember going into the back yard with my dad and his friend - a metallurgist who worked for Huntington-Ingalls - and sitting by the chiminea, discussing all sorts of high-minded topics. It was my first introduction to topics like global politics, international trade, economics, treaties, and others - all at the age of seven. I remember reading The Economist at the age of ten or so, and I was engrossed with how big and beautiful the world seemed. Its cheeky sense of humor, easily digestible content, and affordable prices made it quite entertaining.

My dad, originally a political refugee from what was then Czechoslovakia, held strongly conservative libertarian beliefs. It is unsurprising, given the environment and context he was born in, and how his family defected from the Eastern Bloc and came to the United States during the Carter administration. He served in the US Army as an infantryman, and participated in several military operations in Central America. He married my mom, whose family’s presence in Pennsylvania dates back to well before 1776.

I experienced that memetic fracturing and that collapse in identity in my teenage years, as I continually struggled with a notion of perfection being more valuable than development. I hated myself and my life. My relationship with my mom was characterized by laconic and toxic arguments and a sense of feeling unheard, which only contributed to a positive feedback loop that led to further issues. I only recently managed to overcome that narrative, realize that I can in fact do good, and be assured that there is such a thing as growth, development, opportunity, prosperity, and wealth.

I achieved a lot in my short life. I participated in the Scripps National Spelling Bee at the age of twelve, and placed 51st in the entire United States. Together with my older brother, our quiz bowl team managed to place 5th in Pennsylvania, smacking the crap out of elite, big-city, big-money private school teams. I outperformed 98% of the State of Washington on the ACT, without even trying much. In just one year, I earned a varsity letter for track sprinting in high school, routinely outperforming and upsetting peers who had practiced for years.

But, even when I shined in that period, it was because things came too easily to me. I did not have the skills I needed to match my talents with hard work, discipline, attention to detail, and developing coherent understanding. Unsurprisingly, I struggled mightily in university, got distracted, had serious psychological problems, and ultimately left. Now, I drive forklifts. I have done well for myself, gaining valuable experience, building my professional network, making friends, and earning promotions. However, I don’t want to do that for the rest of my life.

I realize now that my parents and grandparents really did want the best for me. I occupy a position of substantial privilege compared to most people in the city I now live in. I am my family’s living, breathing American Dream. I realize that they set me up for success, and now it is my responsibility, and my solemn duty, to realize those aspirations. I am the son of two continents, two countries, and two cultures, but ultimately, one world. If it is not me who does this, or if I shirk those responsibilities, someone else will take up that position - and I might not like what they come up with.