ReAcT tO tHiS 2024 cAlIfOrNiA mAp???

[The Right Honourable Martin Brian Mulroney PC CC GOQ]

Simple--a 50-state Republican landslide with atlas colours reversed

[The Right Honourable Martin Brian Mulroney PC CC GOQ]

Guys we're missing the most obvious explanation here:

SCENE: Christmas party in Sacramento for the state legislators, 2022. Governor Newsom has had a few too many Vodka Crans. He's talking to the GOP assembly leader Marie Waldron, mildly gloating about his re-election:

Waldron: "We thought we had you for a second there, when Rasmussen had you tied with Faulconer in September"

Newsom: "Oh, you really believed that? *hiccup* Come on now, this is California. There's no way you guys can win statewide anytime soon"

Waldron: "Really? There's no way?"

Newsom: "Nope, I could have stood in the middle of Hollywood Blvd and shot somebody, and I wouldn't have lost re-election"

*both laugh*

Waldron: "So you're telling me no Democrat could lose here, even if we made it so that Democratic precincts can only have one voting booth, while all the Republican precincts have a voting booth for every household?"

Newsom: "Yeah, I guess that's what I'm saying."

Waldron: *laughs* "Well if you wanna test that theory, we'll table the bill. Let's go convince your party leadership to go along with it, we'll get to see in 2024."

Newsom: "You're on"

*They walk to the table where the state Democratic leadership is seated*

Newsom: "So Marie and I made this bet..."

*The dems go along with it, somehow*


SCENE: The governor's mansion in Sacramento, election night 2024. Newsom watches the election night coverage. Biden/Harris are on track to get 270, assuming the entire west coast holds.

Wolf Blitzer: "It's 11 PM on the east coast, and we have polls closing in California, Oregon, and Washington. And we can project that Washington will give its 10 electoral votes to President Biden, Oregon we can project for Biden no surprise there, and California--wait that can't be right--nope, I'm hearing from the decision desk that currently the race in California is too close to call. Let's go to John King at the magic wall"

*A cold sweat rolls down Newsom's forehead*

John King: "That's right Wolf, what we're seeing right now in California is that it's too close to call. Take a look at San Mateo county here, in the Bay Area. One of the safest Democratic counties in the nation, as you can see here, Donald Trump is in the lead and turnout is extremely low."

*Newsom's shirt is now drenched in sweat*

Wolf Blitzer: "Fascinating John, and--*listens in to his earpiece*--we're hearing now about some serious voting irregularities in California, with Democratic precincts getting only one voting booth each, lines that lasted for hours. We're hearing that somewhere between 40-60% of the voters in these areas who lined up, left in frustration. So it seems like apart from the most safe Democratic counties, we're going to see a red California tonight."

*Newsom stares at the screen in disbelief. His ears are ringing, he doesn't hear the TV anymore. He looks at the screen, eyes wide open*

Wolf Blitzer: "And we can project now that the state of California will award its 55 electoral votes to former president Donald J. Trump."

Newsom: *whispering* F---

*Newsom grabs a few clothes, stuffs it in a tote bag, puts on a fake beard and sunglasses, and bolts out of his house*


SCENE: A bank in Sacramento

Bank Teller: "May I have your account number?"

Newsom: "*********"

Bank Teller: "Sure, let me just type it in--uhm, Gavin Christopher Newsom?"

Newsom: "Yeah, I have the same name as the governor. Complete coincidence"

Bank Teller: *nervously* "Haha I see, and what kind of transaction did you want to perform?"

Newsom: "Transfer all my money to a different account under BBVA Mexico, then delete my current account"

Bank Teller: *even more nervously* "Uhhh okay"


SCENE: A back alley in Tijuana

Shady man in a suit: "Okay Mr Newsom, here's your $500,000 in cash tranferred to me...I took 10% commission, of course"

Newsom: "Thanks Rodrigo, I'll take it from here"

Rodrigo: "So...what are you going to do now?"

Newsom: "There's a ranch for sale down in Chihuahua, I've made a deal to buy it"


Gavin Newsom now lives in a ranch under his fake identity, Johnny Hamburger. Nobody knows who he is, people just call him "el vaquero gringo".

Fin