The Comedy Goldmine(ONLY FUNNY ATLAS POSTS ALLOWED, NO BRTD ALLOWED)

[WMS]

I am in a poll making mood- How will what is currently called the USA be politically 100 years from now?

In 2050 the US will be declared the winner of our game of civilization on a points victory.  We will then have a massive, massive war to wipe the slate clean and start over.

If you know the reference Tredrick is making, this is very funny.

[WMS]

[in response to: Bush going green?]

well, he ain't going lavender.

don't call my president green.  even as a dues paying member of the Sierra Club and a former door-to-door ecological awareness advocate and lobby monies solicitor (in my college days), I detest being called "green"  I'm no advocate of political correctness, but some language offends even me.  So don't expect to call people "green" without expecting a fight.  He does not chain himself to tankers, lie down in front of bulldozers, attempt to make love to angiosperms, or refuse to bathe or wear shoes.

[WMS]

Racial gerrymandering is o/c evil and is based on the racist idea that someone of a certain race can only be represented by someone of the same race. It's resulted in great influxes of two types of moronic congressmen (ultra-conservative white Republicans and ultra-leftist black Democrats) with an average IQ slightly less than that of a glass of water and who ultimately represent only small proportions of their districts..

[WMS]

AND GET THE F*** OVER THE COIN THING, IT'S STUPID. NOBODY CARES ANYMORE. STFU ABOUT IT EVERYONE! GOD DAMN! GOD DAMN! GOD DAMN! YOU'RE A BUNCH OF BICKERING LITTLE CHILDREN! F***! LET IT GO![/rant]

Man, did that need to be said.

[WMS]

Can you do me please?

You betcha baby.

And some people say States has no sense of humor

[WMS]

On Katherine Harris selling her stuff for her campaign:

She's got commitment, although some might say she should be committed.

[WMS]

If that's the case they shouldn't be such horrendous prudes there.

Because obviously, the more educated one is, the more one wants to go to strip clubs.

Of course. I would like to see naked proofs, semi-perfect numbers, algorithms, power series expansions, and nonhomogeneous third-order ordinary differential equations with variable coefficients dance around in high-heels and give me free lapdances.

But that four-foot rule will stop you from finding rational zero, if you catch my drift.

Not to worry; non-deterministic polynomial time will doubtlessly save the day!

I JUST F**KING CAME

There's sarcasm, and then there's really, really, well-done sarcasm.

[WMS]

(here we refer to San Francisco as 'The City')

Generally it's "the city by the bay"  And prior to one hundred years ago it was alternately "the paris of the West" or the "biggest city in the West"  But very early in the morning on April 18, 1906, an intense earthquake tore along the San Andreas fault and killed about 3000 San Franciscans.  Richter's scale had not yet been invented, but the estimates range from 7.7 to 8.3 magnitude.  The quake, and resulting gas fires destroyed most of 'The City' (about 20 by 20 blocks at the time) with an estimated 400 million dollars worth of damage.  Yes, today is the 100th anniversary of the earthquake that nearly destroyed the city that some have even called "Dog Cannes."  And a beautiful city it is.  As if in defiance of the gods, the good people of San Francisco would build the magnificent construction-worker orange Golden Gate Bridge upon the epicenter of the 1906 quake.  I've ridden my bicycle across the bridge, but I'm not sure that's allowed any more.  My wife doesn't care to drive in The City, but I rather enjoy it:  that delicate balance between clutch and accelerator, perched at a 45-degree angle on a hill awaiting the Green Light, only inches behind a big city bus and inches in front of a cable car, with little room for error.  Really separates the men from the boys.  (Not an easy thing to do in San Francisco.)  Sure, the corner of Haight and Ashbury Streets have become yuppified and gentrified.  I think there's a "Galactically great brownie store" which sells a seven dollar cup of coffee on one corner, a book store on another which does well with Hillary Clinton bios, an upscale clothing store that'll sell you a tie-died Tee made in an indonesian sweatshop, and a little curio shop on the fourth corner.  (it's usually closed, but priced way beyond the reach of most folks anyway), and you can watch the tourists and born-again "hippies" move their Suburban Assault Vehicles occassionally when it's street sweeping time.  But it's still a fun place to hang out, even all yuppified and gentrified.  Let's all have a cheer for the city in which dogs now outnumber children, and in which those dogs are treated better by the locals than the many homeless people of San Francisco.

On any given afternoon in San Francisco's Marina district, dogs fill the streets and parks, the outdoor cafés and shops. They keep appointments with their masseurs and acupuncturists; they sit for portraits and for readings with their astrologers. Over the objections of no less than the federal government, they romp unleashed through the delicate habitats of nearby Crissy Field. The Marina is dog country—no, dog Cannes—and no one here sees anything the least odd about it. San Francisco is home to 745,000 people and an estimated 110,000 dogs, packed into an insular fiefdom just seven miles (11 kilometers) long and seven wide. Not coincidentally, it also has the lowest ratio of children to adults of any major U.S. city: There is little doubt that dogs are helping fill a parental void—especially in the affluent Marina. "Those dogs are babied," says retired postal carrier Spence Burton, 58, who delivered mail in the Marina for 25 years. "Even tiny apartments have, like, two rottweilers. But they're not exactly guard dogs."
 
Not exactly. On a recent afternoon, Billy Franchey, 34, chauffeurs Gigi, a keeshond mix, and her "best friend" Ruby, an Australian dingo, to the neighborhood park in an electric cart for a bit of exercise. Afterward, in matching cowboy hats and sweaters, Gigi and Ruby may go to "yappy hour" at a Union Street boutique. "The Marina has a lot of young people who aren't married so, you know, you get a dog," says Franchey's girlfriend, Lisa Mobini, 29, a former NFL cheerleader. Her cell phone is loaded with pictures of Gigi dressed as a princess for Halloween and as an angel for Christmas. "Honestly, she has a better wardrobe than I do."
 
A few blocks away, astrologer Billie O'Neill pores over the star charts of Franklin, a fat Welsh corgi unwilling to share toys with his buddies in the park. "He was a warrior in all of his past lives," she says thoughtfully. "But this life is about learning partnership and cooperation." Perhaps it's too much to expect him to share, really: With an ascendant water sign, Franklin's chart indicates he is focused on "material security."
 
A black Porsche glides down Chestnut Street with Slick, a seven-year-old standard poodle, regally upright in the passenger seat. Owner Sandra Ingrish takes him along on errands—to the grocery store, the bookshop, the bank—and so Slick, elegant and entitled, is a neighborhood fixture beloved by camera-toting tourists. "There are so many dogs, it's really kind of amazing for a city this size. Dogs in New York never really looked that happy," says Ingrish, who moved to San Francisco from Manhattan. Says Ted Rheingold, founder of dogster.com: "Folks here do not feel it's abnormal to be in love with their dogs."

Quite a lot of good jokes in this one.

[WMS]

The joys of understatement...

BRTD, I think you may find the description of th emusic industry is not entirely inaccurate.

My favorite is Dark Dungeons.  In that one I learn that if you play D&D long enough, your friends will teach you real magic.

I've played for 20+ years now.  My friends have yet to teach me real magic.

My conclusion:  I have defective friends.

What's also hilariously wrong with that one is that every last one of the people playing are women, lol!

[WMS]

No, we all live in The Matrix. Nothing as we know it exists.

Been enjoying one too many of them red pills eh?

I always say take the blue ones... Their even endorsed by Bob Dole.

[WMS]

Nice pic.

IMO he's more female than Me

Well we all are, as you're the epitome of masculinity in the world.

Nicely done Lewis.

[WMS]

It rained because God hates Wimbledon. Wimbledon Village (the posh suburb in which this wee event is played) is one of the strongest Tory wards in the entire U.K. This is why God hates it so.

[WMS]

Your brain is 0% Female, 150% Male



You have a complete boy brain.
Always thinking about sports and sex, you tend to be driven by emotion.
When you're not beating your wife, your favorite activities include watching football, drinking beer, and changing your motor oil.
You're the typical alpha male.

*snicker*

[WMS]

Straight.

I do like this "normal" stuff.  If normal means majority, States, then your sex makes you abnormal.  Correct this immediately!

Normal = majority = good is a pretty ridiculous concept.

Globally, there are more men than women.

Haha.

First you want us to consider homosexuality normal, and now you want us to regard other countries as important?

Slow down there, Che.

Well done.

[WMS]

Censorship: Unless its kiddie porn, necrophilia, bestiality or anything by Mike Naso allow it on daytime TV

I can't believe AndrewBerger missed this one.

[WMS]

That's the last straw:
First scientists tell me that evolution is true w/no solid proof
Then they tell me embroyonic stem cell research can help w/no solid proof
AND NOW THEY TOOK AWAY PLUTO FROM BEING A PLANET!  THAT'S ENOUGH SCIENTISTS!!!!

I want concrete evidence before things are changed, and if it ain't broke (Pluto) don't fix it!

While I dont agree that some of the things of his that have been posted in this thread are really that funny, the juxtaposition here is hilarious.

[WMS]

In response to Mel Gibson maybe running against Arnold in CA:

Isn't he going to be busy hosting Survivor: Battle of the Races?

[WMS]

I've recently started a new job at a fresh fish and fish and chiop shop. I applied to about 30 places and the only one that'd hire me and give me reasonable hours was this one, because the only other job i've had of reasonable length was at a...fish and chip shop

This explains everything, I figured it couldn't be because of something else...

Think about this one.

[WMS]

I think that has more to do with NJ being mostly suburban.

Thinking is not your forte. Try specializing in something else.

I can always rely on bullmoose.

[WMS]

If Bob Casey Jr isn't the right kind of Democrat for Zell Miller, who the hell is?

John Breckenridge. Obviously.

[WMS]

Uh, yeah, that'd be a great way to lose Congress in 2008.

Sitting back and working with the failed Bush regime is an even surer way to lose Congress in 2008.

So says the duly elected leader of New America.

(Deliverance Theme Song Plays)

[WMS]

Try to get back the nice, well-educated soft left middle class types but screw the mondeo man..

The problem with the nice, well-educated soft left middle class types you refer to is they will always be anti-Labour as long as we are in government. I know the type of people you mean; I went to school and university with them, I work with them, I live next door to them, I am friends with some of them.

The fact is, no Labour government would ever be principled enough for them; no Labour government would be radical enough for them; no Labour government would be liberal enough for them; no Labour government would be intellectual enough for them.

You could increase public spending by a million percent, send in a hit squad to assassinate George W Bush and be such a civil libertarian you made Lord Longford look like Norman Tebbit, and they would still be writing whingeing letters to the Guardian and threatening to vote LibDem.

[WMS]

TN-08(D)

TN-8 was an improvement because in 2004 our candidate was a racist anti-Republican nutcase who the party tried to remove from the ballot whereas our candidate this year was only a neo-confederate nutcase who "seceded" from the Republican party about three weeks ago.  Maybe in '08 we will upgrade to a mildly prejudiced mental hospital patient.