Comedy Goldmine XII: A reimagining with Edward James Olmos and Mary McDonnell

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You do realize they played a 10-0 team last night, no?

4 losses don't matter compared to statistics.

I don't get it.

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FYI my parents met at Helms' 1990 victory party. SO without that I wouldn't exist. Thanks Mechadouche.

This was also how Voldemort's parents met, funnily enough.

I was going to correct you on that, but then I had an epiphany of sorts.

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Perrault's work was rather more interesting than Disney.

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Moderator ruling:

The phrase "stop saying words" is inherently funny and arguing intellectual integrity in the Goldmine is about as bad as arguing intellectual integrity in an Arby's drive-through.

carry on.

I argue in the Arby's drive-through whenever I go to an Arby's that has a drive-through (which is not often).

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Smid on the new Premier of New South Wales, K. K. Keneally:

I watched an interview with her and she's okay at sticking to the script and saying the exact lines that have been given to her... although she wasn't so good at picking lines that necessarily related to the question being asked.

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Just as many of Nader's supporters would have supported Bush in a two-way race.

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You liberals feel that the only path to liberation for women is for them to spike their hair, dye it black, have multiple abortions and enter into lesbian relationships (FYI, there's nothing wrong with being gay, Im just pointing out what liberals advocate).

Love the parenthetical statement.

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Well I aced that section on the SAT and the ACT

And so did I.

This is considered comedy?

Well I got a 5 on AP English Language.

I WILL WIN THIS WAR

And so did I. Both Lang & Comp and Lit.

Are you finished yet?

Dude, chillax. No one's being serious here.

Seriously unfunny would be a good description.

You're even making me want to beat you up, and I archive election results as a hobby, for God's sake.

It's no fair when you post funny things directly into the Goldmine.

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A Brown upset victory is looking more and more likely. Can't wait to see the polling from this weekend to see how much more in trouble Coakley is now.

Is this statement still funny guys?

Yeah. A hack that gets lucky is still a hack.

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It's true, though.

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Zogby is to polls what Zog was to Albania: useless and ridiculous.

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Should I go to Berkeley, then?

Not that it matters or anything; they wouldn't accept me.

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I was just thinking about this the other day: whoever gets elected President in 2012, America is getting a pretty psycho motherer as their chief executive.  Many of these candidates belong in mental institutions.  In no particular order, diagnoses of 2012 candidates and their various mental problems, in an effort to determine who is the least emotionally disturbed . . .

Sarah Palin - Attended college five times and only graduated once, moved up to Alaska where she became governor.  Has Minnesota accent, even though she has never lived in Minnesota - foreign accent syndrome?  Mother of five children, including one with Down's Syndrome, whom she defends as if it's her smartest of the brood - and he probably is.  Daughter Bristol is a slut, with Willow and Piper quickly following in her footsteps.  Former boyfriend-in-law Levi Johnston looks exactly like a clean-shaven Todd Palin.  She has issues.  Next.

Barack Obama - Oh boy . . . where to start?  Our current commander-in-chief has quite a few emotional problems of his own.  Mother was a socialist/atheist/free love advocate with jungle fever who was coincidentally an anthropologist.  Became a Christian out of political opportunism.  Wrote a memoir when he was 33 years old.  Soaked in the writings of leftists like Saul Alinsky and Karl Marx.  Never held a real job ("community organizing" being some black code for "drug dealer") while his college thesis has never been revealed.  Reeks of Chicago machine sludge.  Probably has narcissistic personality disorder.  Make that definitely.  And if that's not bad enough, his middle and last names are identical to or resemble the last names of two of the most hated people of the 2000s.  Unfortunate coincidence . . . or God's little joke on the Democrat Party?

Newt Gingrich - Parents were both on crystal meth so he was raised by his grandparents.  Married his high school geometry teacher when he was 19.  Served her up divorce papers ... while she was going through chemotherapy!  Once attacked the Democrat Party while the House cameras were rolling, pausing every now and then to make it look like no one could respond to his allegations . . . even though he was the only one in the chamber.  Bizarre "snubbing" incident on Clinton's plane in 1995.

Rudy Giuliani - Married three times.  Speaks with a lisp.  After his messy divorce from his second wife, lived with queers.  Likes to play dress-up.  Extremely fascist.  Has an unnatural obsession with 9/11.  Was the Republican frontrunner in 2008 but managed to win only one delegate.

Gary Johnson - Again, where to start?  Unapologetic drug user.  Kids . . . there's a reason they call it dope.  Wacky carrot-top haircut.  Divorced his wife after about 30 years of marriage.  Known for his bong hits during press conferences.  Achieved nothing of importance while being New Mexico Governor over 300 years ago.  Is an avid cycling enthusiast, and is a health nut.  Dude is crazy.

Ron Paul - Confirmed anti-Semite.  Obsession with "blowback", which conjures up bizarre sexual imagery.  Named his son after Ayn Rand, and his other son Roth after Murray Rothbard.  Wants to reduce the size of government because it makes him feel inadequate.

Mitt Romney - Mormon, which means that he believes that Adam and Eve lived in Jacksonville, Missouri and that Joseph Smith was an actual prophet, and wears special Mormon underwear.  Father was brainwashed by aliens/pirates/the Viet Cong.  Supported abortion rights after a close relative of his died from an illegal abortion.  Unborn child may or may not have been sired by Romney.  Conveniently became pro-life before running for President after examining his own semen cells under a microscope.  Is a lifelong hunter who has been hunting a grand total of two times, hunting mostly varmints, small varmints, if you will.  Uses words like "net-net" and "dithering" to connect with the middle class.  Has five children, all of them male, which is statistically significant and indicative of either problems on the X chromosome in both him and his wife, or something more sinister usually found only in Chinese parents.

Mike Huckabee - Again, where to start?  Narcissistic personality disorder.  Was a relatively harmless fatass Governor of Arkansas before slimming down and suddenly becoming interested in national politics.  Believes that trans-fats are more of a risk to national security than terrorism.  Is a populist who supports the little guy, but like all Republicans stops caring after they're born.  Southern Baptist who uses subliminal images to attack candidates who don't belong to the wrong religion, which is either very cynical or very clever or both, all while feigning innocence.

There are more candidates, but most of them are so boring that they don't merit mention, like Tim Pawlenty or John Thune.  Right now, the most balanced, sane person in the whole group: Tim Pawlenty.  The least is a four-way tie between Obama, Palin, Romney, and Huckabee.  And unfortunately, there's a 95% chance that one of them will be in the White House come January 2013.  Which just goes to show that either insane people are more likely to run for President, or that we're all a little insane.  Just be grateful that John Edwards isn't running in 2012, or else this post would be a lot longer.

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It's true.  Sanders caucuses with the Democrat Party but he is actually registered as a Socialist.  Which should speak volumes to the people of Vermont and America about what the Democrat agenda really is...

     Bernie Sanders caucuses with a Thai party? I wonder what other nations he's caucusing with parties from.

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You should tell them about JSojourner

click for context.

That was the best.

I lol'd.

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It's been a while since I've seen a comeback this interesting:

Iran's energy policy is none of our business.

I really do wish my brain were as small as yours...

Why, do you have some lesion on your brain inhibiting your ability to think objectively?

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The Beetles

If NC Yankee lived in Northern Ireland, he'd vote for Ian Parsley.

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Seeing how drunk they get in clubs, would they even notice?

I've literally just come back from holiday in Iceland. Alcoholic drinks are very expensive.

dude, me too! I was chilling in Keflavik! I bought a Víking Gylltur at this pizza place in downtown Keflavik. There were eight people, including myself at restaurant: the old female owner, five Iceladanic 20-something  girls, and a mom in her late 20s or so with a toddler son. All the females except the old owner were really hot - and by really hot, I mean the girls you jacked off to when you were 13 - not like Segolene Royale or some sh**t like that. That's a 75% hotness rate. What a ridiculous country.

Such epic win...

Boris is the best poster on this forum.

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To be fair, none of those people were succeeded by less corrupt people.

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Its time to end the bureaucracy, its time to cut the spending

So they will lie?

Of course. Many ALL Preisdents have lied in the past.

George Washington and James K. Polk have never lied.

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No.  Not unless Gordon Brown and David Cameron are revealed to have an ongoing affair with each other that they held in a Trident submarine commanded by a Captain with non-dom status, and used taxpayer money in the coverup.

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That's the only way I can tell the plethora of British newspapers apart. Why don't they have geographical descriptions?

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Pokemon:

Missingno is an anarchist.

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Thread title: Guys

I thought this was like the hot guy threads.. but just for normal guys. I'll post pics anyways.

I found the idea funny.

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Quote fáil.