Official Vice Presidential Debate: June 2007

[tik 🪀✨]

My most heartfelt gratitude and condolences go out to all Atlasians. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tik, and I represent the Jewish Liberation of Freedom Party for Liberty Party Party. Five hundred million years ago, last Sunday, I was approached by Everett to run as the bottom name on her ticket. I graciously accepted.

My job is to promote freedom, because freedom is the iron of society's hemoglobin that allows oxygen to be transported from the lungs of justice to the muscles of liberty. Too much iron, however, will give you diarrhea, which is why libertarianism is nothing more than the laxative of society. It will dehydrate you and lead to kidney failure and death. Without an adequate sewer system we will spread dysentary.

This is why you should vote for me.

The Vice President's roll in government is an insignificant trifle, but a significant truffle as far as legislative pastries are concerned. Consider me your messenger of freedom. My opponents have "stances" which should raise red flags in all the voter's minds. If you have the same stance for too long, you will get cramps and probably faint. Unless you elect a dancing queen, you will get nothing more than pseudo-intellectual monochrome French films where sad clowns sit at empty dinner tables and smoke cigarettes.

A vote for me is a vote for freedom. I promise to immediately abandon my office and instead romp in the glorious fields of curds and whey, singing ABBA. Unhinge yourselves!

[tik 🪀✨]

What do you believe is the most important role of the Vice President?  Do you believe that the Vice President should have an active role as President of the Senate, or a minimized one?

The most important role of the VP is to make sure that the President isn't killed. On purpose, anyway. I think both sides of the aisle can agree that a good President isn't a dead President, because it's hard to be effective from beyond the grave. As far as the Senate is concerned, the Vice President is kind of a TA, proof-reading legislation that is too boring for important people to be concerned with. If elected I would probably not participate in the Senate and would instead send in some kind of third-world representative with 10-sided dice and maybe a whip.

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It is my firm belief that the Senate is basically an elaborate dress rehearsal for getting a real job. I would circumvent the issue of Senate ties by requiring all members to appear naked and cleanly shaven. They would then be required to get a permanent tattoo of the area they represent on their left or right buttocks, depending on their political stances. This would also change the manner in which Senate members addressed one another. Instead of "The gentleman from the West Coast" we would say "The freckled fellow with the West Coast on his ass." Hopefully with these changes ties would become irrelevant and silly distractions such as "the issues" would become moot.

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Everett and I strongly agree on the roll of the President. As leader of our beautiful cyberland, we would disengage the government from all walks of life in order to promote liberty and freedom. It's our ultimate goal that when someone mentions the President of Atlasia, most everyone will respond with, "What the hell are you talking about? I have no idea, but you're perfectly allowed to continue babbling because there is no rule of law. By the way, do you want another toke?"

[tik 🪀✨]

If the President resigned or were removed from office, or handed you the duties of the executive as Acting President, would you be ready to handle that situation?

Heavens, no! That would be disastrous. Even I'm not completely sure of what I'm capable of doing, accidentally or not. But if it did happen, I would put on my happy face and kiss a lot of babies. Feigning self-confidence is how I tie my shoes every morning.

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We're not contentious folk, Everett and I. But gee, Ebowed, you really put me on the spot here. I suppose we disagree on the manner and pattern in which we brush our teeth. From a scientific perspective, you need to have a precise angle or range of angles to hold the toothbrush against your teeth and gums. You also need to apply enough pressure that you are thoroughly working away the gunk but not too much lest you damage the delicate tissues. The brand of toothpaste is another matter entirely, as are the frequency that one brushes his or her teeth, the period brushing lasts, and what should follow before and after the actual act. I am also vaguely aware that Everett does not believe aborted fetuses should be hot dog filler but that's a smidge compared to oral hygiene.

If something like this ever came up in the public discourse, I'm sure we would respectfully disagree. If policy decisions were in place from the executives that the legislature disagreed with, I doubt our differences would be relevant. It's not like it would all fall apart. It's hard to break a vase that isn't there to begin with. Nay, I dare say it is impossible. Yes, I went there. Damn it feels good to a gangster.

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The Atlasian budget should be fixed at or around $0 USD for every fiscal quarter. This ensures that taxes are not too high and that spending is controlled. Some minor programs may need to be cut but who's really paying attention anymore?

[tik 🪀✨]

Do you think it should be legal for voters to edit their ballots in federal voting booths?

Only in my favour.

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Yes and no. Yes, the president should be allowed to call for a referendum, but no referendum should actually be issued.

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Mr. Naso is an absolutely fabulous individual with a myriad of personal quirks that only accentuate his adorable qualifications. I can only hope that my own little world can be half as beautiful as his must be to him. I do not think our Atlasian political situations will ever parallel, but you've got to give him credit for having such enormous equipment.

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Abortion is a terrible, terrible thing. I think that is okay.

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Only if the person we're discussing desires execution.

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See above.

[tik 🪀✨]

Tik,

Dearest Ebowed,

Your latest letter has left me perplexed, vexed, and something else. I have answered your queries as best as I can until now, but I suppose the stream of questions will never end. It reminds me of our youth; especially of that night on the playground when you caressed my thigh and whispered sweet nothings in my ear. You said to me,

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I took a deep breath and looked into your eyes, and I saw my own reflexion. Time itself seemed to pause. But then, I realized I needed to answer. You needed my answers. I spoke softly:

"1.) I don't oppose the opposition who do not support our positions. They are allowed to disagree, and I agree that we differ. I would hope that although we disagree that they would be comforted to know that I would allow them to not agree, and that they would respect that I allow them to do that. Because we allow their opposition, it is only natural that they would support our opposition to their disagreement and thus acquiesce.

2.) Censorship of specific words ought to be outlawed. Instead of focusing on the content, we are dilly dallying in the coffee plantation of superficiality. We give these words their power by denying their existence, like a cookie that you can't reach on the top shelf that as soon as you manage to grab turns into a series of asterisks. Also, we should be able to ban people by popular vote.

3.) This is why our relationship will never work out, Ebowed. You always bring up the conflicts as if fighting about them again will serve to provide some common ground and we'll finally resolve them. When Everett and I talk about dental hygiene, we're talking about much more than just cavities and fresh breath. Everett feels that everyone should be able to brush their teeth as little or as much as they please. I find this to be offensive to common decency. However, I must admit that the freedom to turn your mouth into a gummy garden of failure is an essential human right. I might demand that my staff brush their teeth after everything.. shaking hands, stapling a stack of papers, brushing your teeth, etc. If Everett's cabinet consisted of hobo-mouths and the like, I just might like totally freak out or something. But I think we will manage to find a good resolution to this conflict and work everything out."

Do you remember that night, Ebowed? Do you remember how things used to be? I look forward to your inevitable request for more information like a puppy anxious to be let outside in order to sh**t all over the yard of political discourse.

Love,
Tik

[tik 🪀✨]

Thank you all for your valuable time. It brings me appalling amounts of joy to know I have stolen it from you. You could have spent it bettering yourself or finding love, but instead you chose to wade through the swampy depths of my brain. You are an internet-based fantasy government hero.

So when you cast your ballots whenever the hell that is to be done, I hope you'll remember the insights I have offered. Let me offer to you one last nugget of wisdom that you may inspect before wiping and flushing it down the proverbial toilet:

LOL, OMG, yo, BRB. Space, colon, dash, closed parenthesis.
We sat at our laptops and typed away, and found that we each had something to say.
Web-logged our fears, our hopes and dreams. Individuated by digital means.
Fiber optic lenses, DVD, Coca Cola, Disney and Mickey D's.
Flat mass culture, the norm that took hold; I hope I die before it gets old.

This is the I-N-T-E-R-N-E-T ge-na-ra-tion, see?
This is the I-N-T-E-R-N-E-T ge-na-ra-tion, see?

Unhinge yourselves! Vote Everett/Tik. Vote freedom. Thank you.