January 2023: The stage is set. A house investigation reveals President Joe Biden is in fact a beta-edition Japanese robot animating a moldering corpse. Vice President Harris successfully invokes the 25th amendment and assumes the presidency. After a wildly successful two weeks, President Harris decides she is #SoOver being president and gives a fiery speech, culminating in the awkwardly phrased declaration: "That little girl who used to not be president. That little girl was me."
With President Harris out of the race for 2024, two frontrunners naturally lead the Democratic field. Los Angeles policy wonk and milquetoast centrist, Blairite, seeks to unite America behind a platform of free trade, open borders, and taco trucks on every corner. Bringing together Obamaworld, Hillaryworld, and Kamalaworld in one establishment candidate, he assembles a crack campaign team of Rahm Emmanuel, Neera Tanden, Maya Harris, and the Lincoln Project Voter for Anthony Brindisi. One sunny January evening in Pershing Square, he declares his bold agenda before five homeless people, two lost tourists, and some strung-out old guy with the courageous vision: "If I'm elected president, the line will go up two-point-eight percent and the world will be more gooder!"
A thousand miles to his north, a different vision for the Democratic Party is unfolding. Laki, a former canvasser for the Republican, Democratic, and Birthday parties decides that his experience in the land of the french fries--Idaho--makes him naturally suited for the Presidency of the United States. Looking to reassemble the Sanders-Kucinich-Jennings Bryan coalition, he brings in Kyle Kuklinski, the Japanese robot reanimation of Mike Gravel, and a guy from Mongolia who illegally donated $2.95 to Sanders' campaign to lead the fight. Rather than lay out a governing agenda, Laki plans to kick off his campaign skydiving into famously leftist Downtown Boise. Unfortunately, he mistimes his leap and lands in the middle of unfriendly territory--the Nampa Adult Shop. Unfazed if slightly brused, he skyrockets to the top of the polls and looks poised to crush Blairite's dreams with a coalition of anti-elitists.
After a series of visious debates (Blairite hits Laki for preferring Trump to Clinton, Laki lands a blow about California elitists), Laki holds a slim but persistent lead over Blairite heading into Iowa. Corn and soy are kinda like potatoes and Blairite talks way too much about argula, after all. Blairite's only hope is to make it through to South Carolina (New Hampshire is a lost cause and Blairite spent way too much time talking about how pointless and ugly Nevada is and how anyone who chooses to live there is dumb.)
As expected, Laki sweeps the Iowa caucus with 69% of the vote. He repeats the performance in New Hampshire and then tops 80% in Nevada. Team Blairite is not feeling good headed into South Carolina. Even with Laki's gaffes about "low information voters", the #populism
is unstoppable. Blarite's only hope is to hold through until Super Tuesday when #elitist
California and Virginia vote. Then, two hours before the South Carolina primary, the unthinkable happens. Neera rushes to the cockpit of Blairite's blimp as it slowly drifts from Greenville to Spartanburg with incredible news! Laki randomly decided to switch parties for absolutely no reason and run in the Republican primary instead.
The field was clear! Blairite cleared 90% of the vote in South Carolina. He was on track to sweep every primary on through June. Even a late entry by Tulsi Gabbard didn't make a dent in his numbers.
Democratic Primary:Blairite: 89%
Laki: 9%
Tulsi Gabbard: 2%
But the election wasn't over yet! Laki's late entry into the Republican primary upended everything. Eight years prior, the Republican electorate made one thing clear: it didn't give a sh!t about party loyalty, conservatism, or actual policy proposals. All that mattered was #populism
. And now they had the ultimate #populist
chad to vote for: the party-switching canvasser from the land of the famous potatoes. Poor Mike Pence couldn't possibly compete. Despite entering the race with less than 85 minutes before polls opened in South Carolina and a last minute Pence endorsement from Nikki Haley, ExtremeConservative, and the Japanese reanimated corpse of Jeff Flake, over 90% of South Carolina Republicans chose Laki to be their nominee. Pence dropped out the very next day and Laki swept the rest of the primaries.
Republican Primary:Laki: 90%
Mike Pence: 8%
Also Tulsi Gabbard: 2%
America was ready! The general election was set. It was time for the showdown of the century, the #populist
vs the #elitist
, the race you've all been waiting for: Laki (R-ID) vs Blairite (D-CA). Once again, America was falling in love with #populism
. Despite laying out detailed plans to make the line go up a full
two-point-nine percent, Blairite was polling ten points behind Laki through the summer. It was time to shake things up. Rahm thought Blairite lacked authenticity. Something about being from Downtown Los Angeles was off-putting to everyday Americans. It was time for a VP with down-home authenticity. There was only one man for the job. Blairite called up his old friend HillGoose. A couple "Let's Roll"s later and the ticket was ready to go.
Laki was on defense! He needed his own Southerner to rebalance the scales. Only one American was equipped to take the fight to the Facebook comments section and defend Laki's near-hourly policy shifts. Fuzzy was ready for action!
Going into election day, the race had tightened, but the Laki-Fuzzy ticket was still up over Blairite-Goose by eight points. It was even rumored that J. Miles Coleman had "I've seen enough" copied to his clipboard, ready to tweet the moment the clock struck 8:00 p.m. EST. As the blimp descended into Fort Lauderdale for one last rally (bewildering a number of shorebirds) Neera rushed forwards with some exciting news. With three hours until polls closed, Laki had released a public statement:
"I have decided to take an indefinite break from politics. I do not want to be president right now and I may never return to the political arena. Ima get some fries and get off the grid in Cour d'Alene for a few months."
America was in chaos, but that didn't mean it was ready for #elitism
. Once all the votes were counted, the electoral map was clear:
2024 General ElectionUnpledged Republican Electors (R): 277 electoral votes, 53%
Blairite-Goose (D): 256 electoral votes, 45%
Tulsi Gabbard, once again (I): 0 electoral votes, 2%
Chaos reigned! Despite the best lobbying efforts of Rahm, Neera, and Maya, the unpledged Republican electors were united by one thing: Blairite would not become President of the United States. But they couldn't agree on anything else. Some supported Mike Pence. Some wanted the Japanese to reanimate the corpse of Donald Trump. Some were supporting Laki-Fuzzy anyway. Some backed Tulsi Gabbard. As the day for the electoral college to vote inched closer, nobody knew what to expect. When all was done, the tally stood at:
Blairite-Goose: 256
Pence-Haley: 102
Laki-Fuzzy: 96
Reanimated Trump-Pence: 75
Gabbard-Modi: 4
No candidate reached 270 electoral votes. But the house would decide, surely. As the vote neared, the delegations were at a deadlock. Blairite only had the support of 24. Nonetheless, Pence was stuck at 25. Marjory Taylor-Greene--all by her lonesome--refused to support anyone except Tulsi Gabbard. With Hank Johnson inconveniently contracting a wasting plague, the delegation was tied. 24 delegations, as expected, cast their votes for Blairite. 25 cast their votes for Pence. But Georgia abstained. No candidate had reached the required 26 delegations to assume the presidency.
The House VotePence: 25
Blairite: 24
Abstain: 1
All eyes were now on the senate. They would pick the new vice president who would then assume the presidency. The choice was clear: the next leader of the free world would be HillGoose or FuzzyBear. And it was thought that Fuzzy would have the slight edge. But this is where Blairite's choice to elevate Rahm Emmanuel payed off. For the next week, Rahm made the rounds through Dirksen, Russell, and Hart from office to office. He employed every tool in his arsenal: bullying, belittling, and dancing pirouettes. He was even seen dangling Ron Johnson upside down out of a window! When the senate finally convened, an upset occurred. By a margin of two votes, HillGoose (I-TN) would be the 48th President of the United States.
As inauguration day dawned, Kamala Harris wrote a note to her successor, made final preparations for her post-presidential podcast, and took a motorcade down to the Capitol where she greeted HillGoose warmly. At noon, he was sworn in as president. At one, he ordered a nuclear assault be made against Russia. At two, America was obliterated and democracy had perished from this earth.
