Smiling John and Hillgoose's Quixotic Presidential Campaign MEGAthread

[John Dule]

Gentlemen, ladies, and maroon avatars-- on this day, September 28, at 3:00 in the morning and operating on four hours of sleep, I declare my presidency for the candidacy of this website.

I'm running because I think there are voices and ideas that are not being represented in our current discourse. There are problems confronting us that are simply not being discussed, either because my opponents are too indebted to special interests or because they just do not care.

I believe we need to tackle the issue of global cooling. Sea levels are lowering, and this will expose various shipwrecks and coastal ruins, some of which probably carry arcane curses and are inhabited by merpeople. As president I would attempt to establish diplomatic relations with the mermen, and step up CO2 emissions to melt the polar ice caps, which would hopefully keep our two planes of existence appropriately separate.

My opponents want mandatory gun buybacks. I am the only candidate endorsing a buyback of all government-issued gun licenses, as well as driver's licenses, birth certificates, ID cards, and social security numbers. This will put money directly into the pockets of Atlasian citizens, and the accumulated useless paper will make for excellent soil mulch.

As president I would bring back the cult sci-fi TV show Firefly for a second season.

I do not believe in democracy or elected leaders. If elected, I would immediately abolish the position of the president by an executive order, with a clause saying that only a president can undo the order, making it impossible for the position to ever be reestablished. It's science.

I would set the "report post" button to ban anyone who clicks on it for being a tattletale snitch.

Women shall be forbidden to wear pants.

My campaign will specifically target the states of Wichigan and Misconsin with an economic revival. I will forcibly deport all unemployed philosophy majors to these states and put them to work in large, semi-automated philosophy factories. No further legislation will progress until they have solved David Hume's problem of causation.

I will return our currency to the Rold Gold standard to ensure that it continues to have the same salty flavor and golden-baked classic shape.

I am conflicted on abortion. On the one hand, I support it because it kills babies; on the other hand, it gives women a choice.

For too long we have suffered under the unwarranted tyranny of government-funded public infrastructure. I would tear up all road asphalt across the country and re-sell it to Ukrainian paving companies at a profit. Citizens will be expected to own, operate, and maintain their own fully functional M46 Patton tanks if they intend to traverse the gravelly highways of this fine nation.

I would organize another raid on Area 51 and this time I'd do it right.

I believe that an important part of life is the feeling of triumph over adversity; of taking one's life in one's own hands and succeeding despite incredible odds. In this spirit, I will attempt to make life as difficult as possible for all of you so that you have more opportunities to wrest sweet victory from the jaws of defeat. I believe we need more lead in our water systems, higher tax rates, vaguer moderating criteria so that your witty and informative posts about Eric Swalwell can be deleted for absolutely no reason whatsoever. My goal is to make you suffer-- and yes, before you ask, you will be able to buy that slogan on a bumper sticker (though the adhesive won't work).

Decrease pork-barrel spending by promising a chicken in every barrel instead.

I am running openly as an atheist. Every morning, I will greet every single citizen with a wake-up call reminding them of the inevitability of their own death, and the horrifying eternity of non-being that shall then follow. The lowest depths of hell are preferable to literal nonexistence-- which is probably why we fabricated the delusion of God in the first place.

Convene a team of clean energy experts to explore the use of libtard butthurt as an alternative fuel source.

To throw the social conservatives a bone, I will legalize man-dog marriage, thus proving their point that legalizing gay marriage inevitably leads to that sort of thing.

On Wednesdays we wear pink.



These are the beliefs that I hold most dear to my heart. These are the terms under which I choose to take to the field of battle. My name is John Dule, and I approve this message. What say you?!

[John Dule]

Things to note for this to actually become a real candidacy:

1) You need a Vice Presidential running mate to actually run

2) You should declare on the appropiate declarations thread as well

3) Not mandatory, but considering the lack of a proper right wing ticket (Jimmy/S019 doesn't count) you should consider seeking the endorsement of the Federalist party and the ACP; I think you would have a great chance at being nominated by them

4) I love this candidacy!

You bureaucratic drone! What kind of life-denying Kafkaesque byzantine procedure is this?!?

[John Dule]

https://twitter.com/JohnDule/status/1178224398358106112

[John Dule]

https://twitter.com/JohnDule/status/1178240018931806208

[John Dule]

Slaps brah can't wait to see

https://twitter.com/JohnDule/status/1178542387632558081

[John Dule]

https://twitter.com/JohnDule/status/1178778437365854208

[John Dule]

https://twitter.com/JohnDule/status/1178867208140623872

[John Dule]

https://twitter.com/JohnDule/status/1178920187325583360

[John Dule]

https://twitter.com/JohnDule/status/1178920187325583360

I don't know what "the US" is, but it certainly is not Atlasia. A quick glance at this plan shows that your plan does not respect Atlasian regional boundaries.

abolish all boundaries, borders, and labels brah!!!

Sounds good so long as we abolish all welfare at the same time my dude!!

[John Dule]

https://twitter.com/JohnDule/status/1179146833269907456?s=20

[John Dule]

Our campaign's answer to Sanders' Federal Jobs Guarantee:

https://twitter.com/JohnDule/status/1179462067863949312

[John Dule]

What is your position on furry rights?

(And before you say “hunt them lmao” I’ll have you know it’s illegal to kill a former president such as myself)

dude I can't speak for Dule but from my point of view as you know i am a very chill dude and like, honestly what you do in your personal time is like none of big gov's business and stuff like that you know what i mean??

Quite right. My plan is to sell government land in Nevada and Idaho to various freaky groups like furries, Neo-Nazis, and black nationalists, allowing them to form communes on their own private land governed by whatever laws they see fit to establish. If you want to live in a sub-national division of Furrytopia, go right ahead. So long as you guys can keep the roads paved, nothing's stopping you.

[John Dule]

https://twitter.com/JohnDule/status/1180554879850303488?s=20

[John Dule]

https://twitter.com/JohnDule/status/1180554879850303488?s=20

Did you read this article too? https://politics.theonion.com/kamala-harris-undergoes-heart-surgery-after-seeing-posi-1838752378

Interesting; I knew the government had planted a chip in my brain while I was unconscious and getting my wisdom teeth removed, but I didn't realize that it was just so the people at The Onion could monitor my brainwaves and plagiarize my ideas before I even think of them.

[John Dule]

https://twitter.com/JohnDule/status/1181334804626690048

[John Dule]

rip us we ded brah

That's what I get for having a voter base centered around people who don't believe in voting.

[John Dule]

rip us we ded brah

That's what I get for having a voter base centered around people who don't believe in voting.

I have spent ten years trying to mitigate that enough to achieve some semblance of success.

Technically, I told everyone who supports me not to vote for me. So in reality, everyone who didn't vote may have implicitly wanted me as president. So I think I win this thing, right?