Need advice in my life, i feel very depressed and stressed

[LAKISYLVANIA]

Honestly, i don't feel all that well at all.

I really have first of all a horrible relationship with my parents. I'm over my mom. I haven't seen her in more than a decade, and it honestly feels okay, since it gives me peace. I've never had much contact since i was in kindergarten, but the real problem is my dad and his girlfriend. I haven't seen them face to face in a year now.

It feels like they continuously betray me even. They even still owe me over 3000 euros, that used to be 6000 euros, but at the least they have been paying some back to me. But they're absolutely disrespectful in any way possible. When I had psychiatric issues, it was due to their efforts that i was being taken inpatient, and use that situation to their advantage, in order to financially enrichen them. When I noticed that, i threatened with a court case, and i've a document on paper that they must pay me 100 euros back each month. At the time, i trusted them to be in charge of my finances when i was inpatient, which was admittely a horrible mistake, but I didn't even expect my own parents to be this disgusting. Eventually they admitted the mistake, and told me they were going to pay me back, but at this rate, they still will owe me money up to 3 years from now, while I actually prefer to close the chapter, and actually erase them from my life.

I didn't call them in longer than 6 months, when I called them today, they were angry, but all the times I call it always ends in a fight or an argument. I can't have a normal conversation with these people. In fact, it is so bad, that I never feel that kind of anger or conversations with anyone else IRL. I'm never angry towards other people IRL. I sometimes vent online obviously, so some of my posts can have some "hidden anger", but I have trouble releasing that IRL. I'm basically almost always calm, and when I talk to my parents, i'm not.

I broke with them for a bit. I wanted peace, it was necessary for my own mental wellbeing, and it would take a while, but i still feel like time hasn't healed the wounds. In fact, i'm more & more convinced that this cannot be healed, especially as long as they still owe me money, the healing process would never start, since I need closure.

I feel guilty to my brother & sisters, but I cannot call them, even for their birthday and risk another argue over the phone, which would make me feel bad. And I feel like i'm abandoning my brother & sisters, for my own wellbeing. I think they rather have a brother that never looked out for them when they were kids, than a dead one. But I don't think they'll ever realize that this is something they had to do. Their parents will tell bad stuff against them about me, probably devilizing me for some reason. And i don't think it will ever be possible to have a normal relationship with them. I even know that i'm being spied on (at least my internet activities). At the very least, they luckily cannot speak or understand english, which is why i feel more open to post on non-dutch language sites. I never talk about personal life in dutch on the internet because it feels like i'm being spied on.

____

That being said, i also make no progress at all. I'm a failure in many aspects of life, knowing little people, especially since I don't meet many new people. I'm a failure in job employment and work employment and cannot deal with the stress of daily life. Outgoing activities are also a no-gone zone. I basically live a hikikomori, because - again - it is the most I can get out of my life. It's the most peaceful one, and while still depressing, it is the most rewarding one.

Need to pay attention to a lot of my physical characteristiscs, i have horrible sleep rhythm and eating rhythm, simply because i don't have to wake up for something, because i can talk with Americans or Canadians at night and not during daytime where most of my internet friends are located, and also because the night is the most calm period for me. During daytime there is simply more stress, and more stuff to do, which is why the night as an escapist works, having this rhythm for more than five years, maybe ten years, also means my body has adjusted to the night.

My eating rhythm suffers from it too, since there is hardly any pattern anymore, and it is hard to consistently eat. I feel my senses for taste & smell have changed, making me more picky than ever, and it is very hard for me to maintain weight, while i'm already quite a bit underweight. I have the same height as Christian Bale, and i'm not really that far off from starting to look like him as he was in The Machinist. Looking up his weight during The Machinist, i'm only a little bit heavier, but not much. I have a BMI between 16 & 17, and it is very hard to gain weight back, in fact even maintaining has been hard since i slowly still lose. It is possible this is due to having a covid infection since it got much worse after that, and i've never recovered my weight, but otherwise i have no symptoms of "long covid".

I think it would be much more better for me personal, if the misery would just end, and if i just would be dead, but I don't know how to basically die. I also don't know how to improve my living life. I usually have the attitude of waiting for my death till it arrives naturally, and accepting the period of life, since accepting death wouldn't be hard for me. It is accepting life that is the hardest thing, and just spending my time till it ends is what I do now. But in some ways, it would give me a lot of peace if it would end now. I already feel like I died, since there is no sparkle of life inside of me, and that has been the case of years. I'm basically already a zombie who has adapted to 100% of its existence basically being on the internet or computer, while ignoring all parts of actual life, and it is simply because it makes me feel better than when i'm doing not, since i have tried to change that in the past, and it only made things worse. So i feel like being a cyborg is the only thing i can do now.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

you need a purpose in life, everyone needs a purpose in life.  Is there a local shelter (human or animal) you can volunteer at?

I honestly don't even have the mental energy for that anymore, and my social anxiety is too high.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

I also absolutely hate both my dad & mom and have no feelings towards those families. They've done nothing for me. I've no emotions for them. I would also not attend a funeral. I'm so done, i wouldn't waste my time with a funeral, and i don't want anything to do with them. I just want them gone from my life (which in a lot of ways they already are).

Those families also have done nothing to me, except for abandoning me, and not accepting me, same for my cousins. Nobody ever really cared. I am not in touch with them. I have little in common with them. You wouldn't even say i'm related to them, since they do absolutely 100% completely different things with different interests. I have nothing in common with them.

I would not attend funerals, i mean, it isn't my family. It theoretically may be, but it doesn't feel like it, and i won't really pretend they're family, they wouldn't attend my funeral either.

I wouldn't be emotional, except maybe if it were my brother or sisters. But otherwise not. For every other family member, i basically would even feel more sad if a random member of this forum dies, instead of a family member of mine.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

Go to church.

I'm not christian.

Laki you did not mention whether or not you are seeing a therapist. What you describe is quite serious, and some of it may be psychotropic or whatever the word is rather than situational. Your fear of interactions with people suggests that group sessions might be good.

I don't have the money for therapy. Too expensive in Belgium to be able to afford it. Secondly, the waiting list to get therapy also is months. Mental healthcare is horrendously bad in Belgium. At the end, you're on your own here.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

Go to church.

Worst advice in this kind of thread. Weekly hour-long lectures about why you're going to hell are not helpful for people with anxiety and depression

Have you ever been to church before? If so, I’m so sorry you got the feeling that it was a “ hour-long lectures about why you're going to hell.” Check out another church if that was the case.

Religion is not a treatment for mental health issues. Religion can help some people find purpose in their lives and persevere through tough times, but it is not a form of healthcare. No sane person would tell someone with cancer to "go to church" before seeking medical treatment, and the same applies to mental health.

My response was not supposed to be an an end-all cure. I’m not not a mental health doctor and don’t have sufficient expertise. I just suggested something that has worked for me and many other people.

To be clear, i didn't think your suggestion was offensive. It was a good suggestion and for some people, that would definitely work, so I certainly don't blame you anything, just wanted to let you know.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

Also i'm not seeking mental health treatment. I don't see what they can do to help me. In the past this has led to nothing. Medication/drugs have never had any effect on me, and i don't believe in them. Secondly, i cannot afford it, and the benefits simply does not outweigh the costs for me personally. I think i'm relatively doing fine and that this is the best i can get out of my life.