Alcon For Congress Thread!

[Alcon]

Thunder Hawk City Convention Center
Thunder Hawk, South Dakota
Monday, December 20th, 2004

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Alcon.

Today, I announce my campaign to run for congressman of Atlasia!

*Crowd cheers*

Congressman John has been a great leader in the congress. However, he says he wants to bring light to Atlasia. Yet it does not seem to be any lighter! In fact, this winter, it seems as if it is getting darker, even earlier. This is not right!

*Crowd applauses*

John also says that he is for pork-barrell spending and raising taxes! I am against all sorts of barrells, pork, ham, and even beef!

*Farmers in crowd boo*

But I do like hamburgers.

*Crowd applauses enthusiasitically*

*Alcon's beautiful wife and two pictureesque children come out, along with kittens and ice cream cones are handed out. A banner reading "ALCON FOR CONGRESS" appears. A rainbow appears over the horizon. Taxes fall.*

I will now take questions.

[Alcon]

First of all, I would like to thank Senator Gabu for his endoresment.

What is your money plan?

John proposes that we give money to various organizations. He wants to raise spending! But then he says he wants to cut taxes (or raise them, sometimes, depending on his mood)...what is his plan? Does he think money grows on trees? I certainly do not. But I hope to change that!

I propose a plan that will give $2 million per year in research to discover methods by which authentic Atlasian currency will be grown on local midwestern trees. This will be a boon to our farmers and our economy.

[Alcon]

Good answer, but what about the lesbin trees?

I believe that lesbin trees should have the rights of guys and also non-guys. However, I also believe in traditional values. Marriage is between a man and a woman, not a tree. However, if that tree is a man, and is a woman, this is alright. However, if the tree is all three, it is unacceptable. We must support traditional man-women-tree marriages.

Alcon, I am troubled that you appear not to want to raise taxes and increase pork-barrel spending.  What will you do to ensure this happens?

All income from taxes will be stored in pork barrels. We may at a later date diversify to other meats. However, this will solve both problems and also allow us to eat the barrels if they are not needed.

[Alcon]

P.S. I am still accepting questions on my policies.

Life, auto, or health?

Boxers. But I didn't inhale.

[Alcon]

Im stll leen torwards John Hes doin his bess.

I know I cannot convince all voters, or get their endoresment, but you must understand that I will bring Light and God to Atlasia faster. In fact, if I do not deliver it in thirty minutes or less, it's free - guaranteed.

old or new tastymint?

OR

spearemint/

All three, baby.

[Alcon]

Alcon please state your position on "bringing Light" to the forum.

As I have previously stated, it seems that it is getting darker at earlier hours this winter. This is unacceptable.

I will use the money trees to buy each and every citizen of Atlasia an 100-watt bulb. Although this is less preferable artificial light, it is still light. And, in the words of Congressman John, light is Good & good.

[Alcon]

Do you have fire in your bones Alcon?

Do you resent fat people?

lol

I have fire in my bones. And liquid justice.

Although I do not resent fat people, I believe it is necessary that they lose wait. Through my plan, we would roll pork barrels down hills and make fat people chase after them, although they couldn't eat them. This way, we could allow them to lose wait while at the same time making use of expired pork barrels.

There may be a problem with fat Jewish people, though.

[Alcon]

why Dont you Like Johns words? John should Be in congrus over Any democart. John lets Us have relegon.

John is a great leader but there are some shocking statistics:

- During John's administration, pork barrel production has fallen 120%.
- There is still darkness, especially at night. This is a major problem.
- John has proposed no bills.
- In 100% of the congressional sessions so far, John has been absent.
- John cannot dance.

I am sure you will be shocked by the pure statisticism of these statistics.

I hope to work with John closely for future legislation after I hand him his rear end on a plat-I mean-err-vote Alcon.

[Alcon]

Shut Up Alcon

John will bring light

!!!!