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Presidential Elections - Analysis and Discussion => Election What-ifs? => Topic started by: GOON on September 11, 2014, 12:30:34 am

Title: Coming To America (A Post-WWII U.S. Timeline)
Post by: GOON on September 11, 2014, 12:30:34 am
Note: FDR doesn't die until May 2nd, 1945 in this timeline.

Introduction: The date is April 30th, 1945.  Adolf Hitler is about to end his life in his bunker when FDR magically wheels into his room.  

"Quick, Adolf!" FDR cries.  Hop onto my lap.  There is no time to explain!"

Adolf obliges.  FDR, with Adolf on his lap, wheel out of Adolf's bunker as the Red Army descends upon Berlin.  Joseph Goebbels is behind them, crying out "wait for me, Mein Fuhrer!"

On the outskirts of Berlin, FDR, Hitler, and Goebbels rendezvous.  FDR tells Hitler that he saved him because he wishes to make him his Vice-President.  "A bi-partisan administration in a bi-polar world," FDR enthusiastically tells Hitler.  "That's our slogan in '48."

FDR also tells Hitler that he hates Harry Truman for reasons unknown.  Before FDR can elaborate, a UFO appears and takes the three men back to the United States.  There, FDR unilaterally changes the Constitution so that any person can be the President of the United States, irregardless of where they were born.  

After the amendment is passed, FDR informs Hitler that he will be a United States Senator until the 1948 election to pass the time.  FDR takes out a top-hat and tells Hitler to reach into the hat.  Hitler reaches in, and pulls out a piece of paper.  Hitler opens it up, and it merely reads the word "Missouri."

"Congratulations, Hitler!" FDR says as he re-adjusts his cigar.  "You're now the Senator from Missouri."

"What about me?" Joseph Goebbels asks.  FDR and Hitler had forgotten that he was there.

"Reach into the hat, son," FDR says.  

Much like Hitler, Goebbels pulls out a piece of paper.  He opens up, and reads "West Virginia."

"Oh fookin' hell," Goebbels mumbles in broken English.

Chapter I- Senator Hitler

Hitler and Goebbels are sworn-in as Senators the next day.  As they're delivering their maiden speeches on the floor, word reaches the Senate Chamber that FDR has passed away, and that Harry S. Truman was sworn-in as the 33rd President of the United States moments ago.  Allegedly, Joseph Stalin had shoved FDR off of a cliff.  Why?  Because he's a mustached-psychopath, that's why.

For the next three years, Hitler makes it his goal to break the record for longest filibuster, but fails each time.  In-fact, the next three years in the Senate Chamber was a WACKY time for all involved, for Hitler kept giving speeches in German about how the Fourth Reich will rise, and Goebbels kept referring to Hitler as "Fuhrer," and insisted on introducing him before every Senate speech.  

On the international front, Truman let FDR's murder at the hand of Stalin slide.  However, he did nuke Japan, so that is something.  In 1947, Scotland tries to gain independence from Great Britain, but they get beat up pretty bad.  Hitler takes this time to give a speech on the Senate floor, condemning Britain's imperial actions.  Senator Russell Long howls with laughter at the irony.

"You having a giggle, comrade," Hitler inquires.

"Yeah?  Are you having a giggle at the Fuhrer's expense, Mr. Long?" Goebbels adds.

Enraged, Hitler picks up the gavel and tosses it at Russell Long.  It hits Long right in the head, and gives him a harsh concussion.  

Hitler looks at Goebbels.  "Went down quicker than France," Hitler whispers.

Chapter II- Dewey Defeats Hitler

1948 arrives, and Hitler announces his candidacy for the Presidency.  Pundits say he has no chance for "obvious reasons," but Hitler proves them wrong when he takes his clash with Harry S. Truman to the DNC.  There, Hitler delivers an epic speech condemning Truman for not pursuing Stalin for murdering FDR, as well as wearing glasses.  At the conclusion of his speech, Hitler is given the Democrat's nomination, and Joseph Goebbels is named Vice-President.  Harry S. Truman is then deported to parts unknown.

The night before election night, legend says that FDR's ghost appeared to Hitler.  Roosevelt didn't say anything, and neither did Hitler.  For the next few hours, FDR's ghost and Adolf Hitler locked eyes in a staring-contest that crossed dimensions.  Before he left, FDR told Hitler the details of his death.  The specifics of this contest is unknown, but it's allegedly how Disney got the idea for Scar killing Mufasa in The Lion King

Election night was tense.  Late in the evening, Hitler receives word that a newspaper was printing their front page with the headline "DEWEY DEFEATS HITLER" plastered in big letters.  Outraged, Hitler called the newspaper and yelled at them for many hours.  

They still ran the headline.  They were correct, and Thomas E. Dewey had defeated Adolf Hitler to become the 34th President of the United States.

Just Kidding...

() ()

Yes, I realize some details are wrong in the Wikipedia info boxes. I decided to change a few things on-the-fly whilst writing the first two chapters of the timeline, and it takes too much time to make an info box if you're not precise.  For example, I was originally going to have Hitler defeat FDR in 1948 (thus why his graphic reads "33rd President of the United States," but plans changed.  I promise better accuracy on the next installment of Coming To America

EDIT#2- Just noticed that the electoral vote count for each candidate is wrong.  Oh well.  That'll be fixed for 1952 and beyond.

Next time on Coming To America:
- Hitler confronts Winston Churchill
- The United Nations issues a statement on Hitler's election: "?!?!?"
- Goebbels gets into mischief.

Title: Re: Coming To America (A Post-WWII U.S. Timeline)
Post by: Illuminati Blood Drinker on September 11, 2014, 12:58:54 am


Well then.

This certainly is... unique.

Title: Re: Coming To America (A Post-WWII U.S. Timeline)
Post by: AelroseB on September 11, 2014, 05:59:20 am
This must go on.

Title: Re: Coming To America (A Post-WWII U.S. Timeline)
Post by: Mechaman on September 11, 2014, 06:34:29 am
. .. . . . .. . . . .
This is the greatest thing I've ever seen!

Title: Re: Coming To America (A Post-WWII U.S. Timeline)
Post by: GOON on September 11, 2014, 09:09:15 am
Updated Wikipedia box for Adolf Hitler


I'm going to make and add-in these Wikipedia info-boxes to add some authentic qualities to an otherwise absurd timeline.  I also knew of a website at one time that would allow you to generate your own CNN, Fox News, etc, webpage, thus allowing you to visualize what the events in a certain timeline would look like if they actually happened.

And yes, I know that CNN and Fox News weren't around in 1949, but if Adolf Hitler can become President of the United States in this timeline, then CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC can exist, too.

Title: Re: Coming To America (A Post-WWII U.S. Timeline)
Post by: Cranberry on September 11, 2014, 09:22:16 am
. .. . . . .. . . . .
This is the greatest thing I've ever seen!

Title: Re: Coming To America (A Post-WWII U.S. Timeline)
Post by: GOON on September 11, 2014, 09:40:32 am
UPDATE: More infoboxes for former Presidents:



Title: Re: Coming To America (A Post-WWII U.S. Timeline)
Post by: Consciously Unconscious on September 11, 2014, 09:55:53 am

This is great though, seriously.

Title: Re: Coming To America (A Post-WWII U.S. Timeline)
Post by: Abandon hope all ye who register here on September 11, 2014, 10:04:23 am
Obama and Boehner can surely use the bi-partisan wisdom of FDR and Hitler.

Title: Re: Coming To America (A Post-WWII U.S. Timeline)
Post by: GOON on September 11, 2014, 10:06:14 am
Last info box before the next update, which I'll probably post in a few hours after I finish class.


Title: Re: Coming To America (A Post-WWII U.S. Timeline)
Post by: GOON on September 11, 2014, 02:11:29 pm
Act II- Hitler’s First 100 Days

Hitler’s first day in the White House begins with him falling out of bed.  Vice-President Joseph Goebbels rushes into the room and asks President Hitler if he’s alright.  Hitler doesn’t answer, but questions how Goebbels could have gotten into the room as quick as he did.  Hitler takes his anger out on Japan and drops more nukes on them.  He tells the press that he was just exacting revenge on Hirohito for dragging the Americans into World War II.  Let it be known that, on his first day in office, Adolf Hitler had killed Hirohito just because he fell out of bed.

Minutes after Hitler’s nuking of Japan, the United Nations issued a statement that condemned not just the nuking, but also the election of Adolf Hitler.  In fact, it seemed that they were more concerned about the resurrection of Adolf Hitler’s political career than the death of millions of Japanese and a world leader.  The United Nations called upon the rest of the world to pursue Adolf Hitler for war crimes because “after all, we’re essentially useless.”
Hitler responded during a televised speech at 9:00 PM.  He condemned the United Nations’ existence, the “clear and obvious racism that this bigoted organization displays towards Aryans,” and the mere fact that the United Nations was more concerned about one man that the millions of Japanese that he incinerated.  He concluded his speech by unilaterally withdrawing the United States from the United Nations, and promised that the United Nations will be eradicated if they continue to meddle with the business of the world’s only sovereign superpower.


Fearing Hitler’s wrath, Israel swiftly conquers what remains of Palestine, despite Hitler’s reassurance that he was more interested in Iraq and Afghanistan than Israel.  Nobody does anything about this.

In the Soviet Union, Stalin kills another general in the Red Army for making fun of greying mustache.  He also has a statue built that commemorates his murder of FDR.  The statue depicts the moment where Stalin grabs Roosevelt’s wheelchair—right before he tossed FDR into the abyss.  If you look closely, you can see Roosevelt’s neutral expression turn to sheer horror.  No, this was not because he knew he was about to die, but because Harry Truman was about to become President.

In a speech, Stalin declares that they will spread Communism around the globe in-order to create a Worker’s Empire.  Before he can declare the first official target, Stalin is shot in the stomach by a sniper.  This wasn’t intended to kill Stalin, but to serve a warning.  Many Russians speculated amongst themselves as to who was responsible.  Some felt it was an American capitalist pig like Batman.  Others felt it was Anastasia.  However, one man knew who it was.  This man was Joseph Stalin himself, who uttered the words “Trotsky,” before fading into a worker’s coma.

Hitler Speaks To Churchill

At the start of February, Hitler’s closest advisor—Joseph Goebbels—advised him to have a dialogue with Winston Churchill.  At first, Hitler was defiant and refused to speak to the fat man out of fear that he would become a victim of second-hand smoke.  Goebbels was frustrated at Hitler’s refusal, but came up with a solution: the two shall talk via telegraph!

The two traded telegrams back and forth in Mid-February.  By then, Hitler had sent Vice-President Joseph Goebbels to the Soviet Union to DEMAND an apology from Joseph Stalin for killing Roosevelt.  You see, Hitler wasn’t necessarily mad at Roosevelt’s death, but he was mad that he wasn’t the one to end the cripple’s life.  The two bickered and traded insults until Hitler got so angry that he picked up the telegraph and tossed it to the ground.  When asked what Churchill said that could have angered him so much, Hitler responded with: “Churchill made fun of me for not being able to conquer a crippled old man.”  Nothing was accomplished in this meeting.

Joseph Goebbels Attempts Diplomacy

Joseph Goebbels arrived in the Soviet Union, and was escorted to Joseph Stalin’s hospital bed.  No greetings were exchanged, nor did they shake hands.  Instead, Goebbels walked up to the foot of Stalin’s bed, and looked down at the Russian leader who had just been shot.

“On behalf of the Honorable Adolf Hitler, I demand an apology for your brutal killing of Franklin Delano Roosevelt,” Goebbels said.

“No,” Stalin replied quickly.


With that, Goebbels turned and left the PEOPLE’S HOSPITAL.  He then walked up to his private plane and flew away.  Diplomacy has failed.

Hitler’s Fireside Chats

“The people need entertainment,” Hitler told Goebbels.  “Call all the radio companies, and tell them that in approximately three hours, eleven minutes, and fifty-four seconds, I will broadcast my first fireside chat.”

Goebbels quickly left the White House to oblige his President’s orders.  That evening, Hitler broadcasted his first Fireside With the Fuhrer radio address.  For ten minutes, he yelled and screamed about how American society will change, Communism will fall, Churchill will die of lung cancer, and how the new American Reich will be established. 

Throughout the Republic, children cried and parents were disturbed.  Despite all of this, if you asked anyone during this time period as to what they thought of Hitler’s Fireside With the Fuhrer chats, they would tell you that they loved it.


The 100th Day
April 30th, 1949: the 100th day of Adolf Hitler’s reign.  As he woke, it dawned upon him that he hadn’t done much of anything outside of kill Hirohito will a nuclear bomb and cuss out Winston Churchill.  Hitler told himself that today would be a day of action.  At 8:00 PM that evening—with only four hours left in his 100th day—Hitler took to the radio and announced various reforms, all of which were off of the top of his head, such as:

•   Twice a year, all American workers in certain industries will get a paid vacation to a location of their choosing. 
•   If one harms a dog, they will be put to death.
•   The government will fund the Arts around the Republic.

President Hitler then took time to plug his book entitled: “I’m Still Struggling.”  It will be a mandatory purchase for all Americans.  Hitler then finished off his address with his foreign policy:

•   The United States supports Scotland in their continued quest for independence from Churchill’s gluttony.  Hitler makes it clear that this is a personal vendetta for him.
•   The United States will continue to pursue Communism around the world, and will start by cutting the head off of the Leviathan.  As of this moment, the United States is at war with the Soviet Union. 
•   Hitler promises that Joseph Stalin’s head will be paraded around Times Square once the Iron Curtain falls and Communism dies. 
•   Hitler closes his speech by saying that his main goal is to reunite Germany, and then welcome them back into his New World Reich.

At the conclusion, nobody salutes the radio.  In-fact, this broadcast convinces one man to seek the Presidency in 1952, and it’s a man who defeated Adolf Hitler once before:

Dwight Eisenhower

Title: Re: Coming To America (A Post-WWII U.S. Timeline)
Post by: Abandon hope all ye who register here on September 11, 2014, 03:06:02 pm
I haven't had such a good laugh in a long time.

Title: Re: Coming To America (A Post-WWII U.S. Timeline)
Post by: Solidarity Forever on September 12, 2014, 08:11:40 am
This is the most beautiful thing I've ever read.

Title: Re: Coming To America (A Post-WWII U.S. Timeline)
Post by: GOON on September 12, 2014, 02:21:29 pm

Title: Re: Coming To America (A Post-WWII U.S. Timeline)
Post by: GOON on September 12, 2014, 06:25:30 pm
Act III- Everybody Hates Hitler (May 1949)

The next day, Adolf Hitler made his declaration of war against the Soviet Union official.  In front of a body composed of thousands of his most rabid supporters on the National Mall, President Adolf Hitler declares that he “had a vision” the previous night, in which Joseph Stalin’s head was paraded around Times Square on a pike, Communism and all of its adherents were eradicated, and Russia would join Hitler’s New World Reich.  Polite golf-claps are abound through the duration of the speech, but the rousing and jingoistic rhetoric that Adolf Hitler once spewed as the Fuhrer of Germany didn’t produce the same monstrous roars of approval amongst the American population.  When President Hitler finished his speech, he saluted the crowd, although barely a dozen returned the favor.


When Hitler returned to the White House, Vice-President Goebbels, whom Hitler felt did nothing but hang around the White House, greeted him. 

“Mein Fuhrer!” Goebbels yelled.  “I have urgent news to report to you!”

“What is it, Goebbels?”

“A new poll was just released,” Goebbels replied.  “Take a look.”

Goebbels handed Hitler a piece of a paper.  Hitler studied it intensely, but his expression soon turned to pure horror as he continued reading.

Do you approve of the job Adolf Hitler is doing as President?
Yes: 12%
No: 88%

Hitler continued reading, and found something much more terrifying towards the bottom of the page.

In a hypothetical matchup, for whom would you vote for as President?
Dwight D. Eisenhower: 90%
Ghost of FDR: 6%
Adolf Hitler: 4%

Hitler was petrified.  Not only did the American people find him less favorable than a dead man, but also he was slated to lose to the 1952 election in a landslide.  As it turns out, the American people had no interest in uniting Germany or creating a New World Reich.  They also had a favorable opinion towards the jolly Englishman named Winston Churchill.  It also seemed that people who aren’t dirt-poor and/or angry at the outside world have no use for a demagogue like Adolf Hitler.  Who knew?

Still, Hitler remained confused as to what he could have done to cause such disapproval ratings.  He racked his brain for hours, but nothing immediately came to mind that could have caused such a backlash against the new President of the United States. 

Suddenly, Joseph Goebbels burst into the room.

"Apologize for the Holocaust, Mein Fuhrer!"

Vice-President Goebbels was nearly out of breath as he busted into the ring.  As it turns out, Goebbels had spent the past three hours trying harder than Hitler to find a solution to this crisis.  It had taken nearly every fiber of Goebbels' soul to come up with this solution.

"I don't know, Goebbels," Hitler said.  "This is risky."

"Mein Fuhrer, the American people are susceptible to anything.  They love a redemption story, and will accept an apology for almost anything.  Plus, they'll forget this ever happened, especially those who align with your party!  Aren't American politics grand?"

President Hitler agreed with Vice-President Goebbels that this was the best course of action.  Two days later, President Adolf Hitler once again called a public meeting on the National Mall.


Title: Re: Coming To America (A Post-WWII U.S. Timeline)
Post by: GOON on September 14, 2014, 08:37:23 pm
Act IV- The War To End All Wars

Adolf Hitler was sitting in the Oval Office.  Sitting upon his desk was not important documents, or a peace treaty from the Soviet Union.  You see, the President of the United States was sitting at his desk sketching Disney characters.  Hitler was very proud of his drawing of Pinocchio, and he considered submitting it to the Vienna School of Arts after the war.


Vice-President Joseph Goebbels burst into the room, which caused Hitler's hand to jump, thus ruining his drawing.

"Jesus Christ, Goebbels!" President Hitler yelled.  "I should have you gassed for that!"

"Mein Fuhrer, I apologize, but the Red Army is invading Los Angeles."



"Let them take Los Angeles.  I saw the latest poll.  They're slated to vote for Eisenhower in '52.  Let them bathe in red."

Goebbels turned to leave, but President Hitler interrupted him.

"By the way, what do you think of my sketches, particularly my sketch of Sleepy?  I'm personally quite proud of it, and I intend to submit to the Vienna School of Arts once the war ends."

"Mein Fuhrer, you were rejected twice.  Take a hint"

"Rot in hell."


Within days, the Red Army took Los Angeles, all the whilst singing odes to Vladimir Lenin.  Whilst this was going on, Joseph Stalin was about to be discharged from the People's Hospital, where he had been stationed after getting shot in the People's Stomach by the People's Bullet.  Stalin vowed vengeance against Leon Trotsky for shooting him.  His advisors asked if they make commission an investigation into how Trotsky came back from the dead, but Stalin rejected it. 

Stalin opened the front door of the People's Hospital and walked out.  He basked in the glow that radiated from the People's Sun.  This was the first time in days that the People's UV Rays engulfed the People's Mustache.  How Stalin managed to turn the sun Communist is another question for another day.

After a few seconds, a sharp pain shot (no pun intended) through Stalin's body.  He looked down, and saw that he had once again been shot, this time in the People's Nipple.  Stalin looked over and saw Leon Trotsky's head leaning out from the People's Bush. 

"Oh for 's sake, comrade," Stalin said.  Stalin didn't speak another word, as he fell into the People's Coma once again, and the People's Hospital Staff quickly brought Stalin back to the People's Hospital Ward.  Stalin unconsciously shakes the People's Fist at Trotsky and vowed vengeance as Trotsky snickered before tip-toeing into the sunset.


The war between the United States and the Soviet Union waged on throughout the summer, with neither side really doing much of anything.  In August, the French offered to help out the United States, but Hitler rejected their help, citing that Charles de Gaulle couldn't sketch out Goofy and/or Micky Mouse, much less a viable military plan capable of eradicating Communists.  England also held out their hand, but Hitler smacked it away.  After this, historians have reported that Adolf Hitler and Winston Churchill once again cursed each other out via telegram.

Neither Hitler or Stalin were engaged in their respective nations' conflict.  Hitler was too busy perfecting his sketch of Maleficent that Joseph Goebbels kept interrupting and ruining when he would burst into the Oval Office to ask Hitler a ridiculous question.  Meanwhile, Joseph Stalin wasn't allowed to leave the People's Hospital, since Leon Trotsky kept shooting him before he could leave the People's Premises of the People's Hospital.

By the fall, Hitler had perfected his sketch of Maleficent.  He lied about his promise to submit the sketch AFTER the war, as his eagerness got the better of him and he submitted it in September.  He received the following response:

Dear Mr. Hitler,

We received your submission, and we do remember your previous auditions in 1907 and 1908, and we admire your persistence.  Despite this, we cannot accept you into our school at this time.  The Board of Directors at the Vienna School of Arts feel that we cannot let someone responsible for the death of millions and two major wars mingle with the students at our prestigious school.  Plus, don't you have anything better to do, such as run the United States of America?  However, the Board of Directors wishes you the best in your future endeavors.

Please don't contact us again.

Best Regards,

Vienna School of Arts

Minutes after reading this letter, Hitler bombed Poland.  Nobody cared.

Title: Re: Coming To America (A Post-WWII U.S. Timeline)
Post by: Cath on September 14, 2014, 10:04:14 pm
I'm glad to see the return of serious timeline writing to this board.

Title: Re: Coming To America (A Post-WWII U.S. Timeline)
Post by: Maxwell on September 15, 2014, 06:29:52 pm
I'm glad to see the return of serious timeline writing to this board.

I am too. It makes me wish I were a better story teller.

Title: Re: Coming To America (A Post-WWII U.S. Timeline)
Post by: GOON on September 17, 2014, 01:34:37 pm
Act V- The Iron Curtain Descends

Throughout the remainder of 1949, President Hitler mourned over his rejection from the Vienna School of Arts whilst Joseph Stalin could never quite seem to escape Leon Trotsky's shenanigans.  The armies of both nations fought to a stalemate for the most part.  The exception to this was when the United States took back Los Angeles in December 1949 after losing it in the summer.  This wasn't because of a gallant effort on the part of the U.S. Army; nor was it lost by the Soviet Union due to superior strategy by the United States.  The Soviet Union just decided that they were sick and tired of the city, so they gave it away.

On Christmas Day 1949, both sides signed a twenty-four hour ceasefire.  During this time, both sides played soccer, tennis, and joyously drank vodka together.  Meanwhile, Leon Trotsky gave Joseph Stalin another bullet to the chest for Christmas. 

On the east coast, a horrific incident took place on December 18th, 1949, when Adolf Hitler dressed up as Santa Claus and Joseph Goebbels put on antlers and painted his nose red.  President Hitler then christened him Rudolph.  On the White House lawn, Adolf Hitler let American children sit on his lap, where they would tell him what they wanted for Christmas.  This all went well until one child told Hitler that he wanted to be a girl.  Outraged, Hitler yelled at the child, thus ruining his and everyone else’s Christmas.

On January 3rd, 1950, President Hitler took a break from writing his screenplay about an ogre who meets a talking donkey and the two go on wacky adventures together.  He picked up the phone and called Joseph Stalin, who was still in the People’s Hospital.  After a few rings, Stalin answered the People’s Phone.

“Listen here you little, red, piece of sh**t,” President Hitler began as he burst Stalin’s eardrum.  “Surrender now, or else!”

“Or else what?”

Hitler wasn’t prepared for Stalin to call his bluff, as he was sure that was Stalin would capitulate to his fear of the unknown.  What hadn’t occurred to Hitler was that he didn’t know what the “unknown” was either.

Hitler turned to Goebbels, who had snuck into the room for reasons unknown whilst Hitler was demanding Stalin’s surrender.  Hitler put his hand over the receiver.

“What do we do, Goebbels?”

“I don’t even know who you’re talking to, Mein Fuhrer,” Goebbels said.  “However, I came in here to ask—“

“I’m talking to that mustached son of a bitch Stalin,” Hitler interrupted. 

“I can hear you,” Stalin retorted.  “And for the record, at least my mustache is complete and isn’t half-assed like yours.  Whilst mine is full of life, yours looks like road kill that happened to get stuck to your face because—“

“That’s quite enough out of you!” Hitler yelled.  His outburst burst Stalin’s other eardrum, thus leaving him deaf and useless for the remainder of the conversation.

“Mein Fuhrer,” Goebbels said.  “Why don’t you just nuke the Communists?”

Hitler’s face lit up. 

“You’re a goddamn genius, Goebbels!  Why didn’t I think of that?”

Goebbels didn’t answer. 

“To the chopper, Goebbels!”


A sense of imminent doom enveloped Joseph Stalin.  As he was staring out of the People’s Window, the face of Leon Trotsky appeared from the bottom, and slowly rose up until his face and upper-body was in full view.  He was holding a gun, and Trotsky used the butt of that gun to bust open the People’s Window.  He climbed in over the shattered glass and approached Stalin’s bed.

Trotsky looked in Stalin’s eyes, perhaps for the last time.  He raised his gun and pointed it at Stalin’s face.  Multiple thoughts ran through the People’s Mind of Joseph Stalin.  Where were the hospital workers?  Didn’t they hear the window being broken?  Speaking of the window, why couldn’t he hear the breaking of the People’s Window?  Had that diabolical Adolf Hitler made him deaf?  Curse him!

“Wait!” Stalin exclaimed.  “Before you kill me, I need closure, comrade.”

Trotsky nodded.

“First, how have you come back to life?  I had you killed many years ago!”

Trotsky—somehow realizing that Stalin was deaf—took out a white board and marker.  In his horrendous handwriting he wrote: Before I died, a man appeared and offered me a chance to escape this reality.  I accepted, and I woke up in 17th century Scotland.  I lived a meager existence until I decided that this was bullsh**t.  I called upon this man, and I asked him if I could travel to the Soviet Union in 1949, so that I may kill you.

“Who was this man?  A capitalist?”

Al Gore, Trotsky wrote.


Before Trotsky could respond, an explosion was heard in the distance.  Stalin looked out the window and saw a mushroom cloud.  Trotsky noticed this as well, and once again pulled out his gun.  Wanting to make one final statement—and knowing that Stalin couldn’t hear—Trotsky merely gave Stalin the middle finger salute as his final statement.  Trotsky fired his gun and shot Stalin in the People’s Head, killing him instantly. 

Trotsky had finished off his mortal foe once and for all.  Once the bullet entered the People’s Head and the People’s Blood stained the People’s walls, he felt like he had nothing to live for.  He spent his final moments staring at the approaching mushroom cloud.  Seconds later, Trotsky was dead.


News of the death of Joseph Stalin, Communism, and the Soviet Union reached America minutes later.  Hitler called an impromptu public meeting, where he delivered a speech with the banner “Mission Accomplished” plastered in the background.  As he was finishing his speech, the severed head of Joseph Stalin landed right on Hitler’s podium.  Hitler held up the head with an expression of joyous glee on his face, whilst his audience was horrified, appalled, and disgusted.  The next day, President Hitler made good on his promise to have Joseph Stalin’s head put on a pike and carried around Times Square.

For the next week, the citizens of the United States celebrated their victory over Communism by watching the first showings of President Hitler’s first movie: Shrek.  It received horrendous reviews, which prompted President Adolf Hitler to ban motion pictures.