Humza Yousaf Goes Off In Drunken Invective

[Boobs]

Outgoing First Minister of Scotland Humza Yousaf was caught on video going off in an invective, seemingly inebriated, with SNP apparatchiks, the Daily Mail has reported. In his rant, Yousaf skewers allies and rivals both, often to the merriment and grimace of his guests, including:
- Yousaf described Kate Forbes as “a dreich baltic schoolmarm who gave her husband frostbite the three times they’d gotten intimate” with “a face and attitude like a Highlands pony proudly making jobbies in the town square.”
- Yousaf described Alba turncoat Ash Regan as “obsessed with Harry Potter” and “as if being a wizard was enough to get her elected,” and said: “We had to spend the whole election campaign reassuring people she was a woman.”
- He called Alex Salmond as “Scotland’s blootered wastrel uncle, who’d look down the blouse of his own grandmother.” Salmond is “a numpty of the first order,” he added, “who’s been chowing down the curry and samosas while we’re out there bumming around the country like f**king cannon fodder.”
-  Yousaf  said his predecessor, Nicola Sturgeon, “has a bigger willy than [his] own, that’s for sure,” which she used to “f**k the lights out of the entire cabinet.” He also said Sturgeon was “a dyke big enough to span the Firth of Forth.”
- Yousaf called Fergus Ewing MSP “a lavvy heided rat, with skin like a baboon’s winkle and hair so blonde it glows in the dark” before saying “He’s Scots for ‘a f**king sh**t.’”.
- Yousaf called Scottish Green Party leader Lorna Slater “a dyke but not in a gay lesbian type way” before adding “She wears sh**te shoes that have been to Bali, and she has no idea what to do to get Scotland independent.”
- Yousaf said "And she [Joanna Cherry QC MP] has got the personality of a wet lettuce in there."
- He called Scottish Liberal Democrat leader Alex Cole-Hamilton “a dunce, a gash, and an idiot. There is nothing between his ears whatsoever.”
- "When I see [Keir Starmer] on telly I always think, ‘This is a man who has to spend his lunch hour trying to shake a spider off his face,” Yousaf added. “[And] there’s also nothing he can offer the Scottish public.”
- About Anas Sarwar, Yousaf described him as a “churlish lass, with a twat good only for piss funneling” that’s “so small it’s visible to the naked eye.”
- Yousaf described Douglas Ross as “a wee fella who looks like the sort of bloke who’d spend an hour each night removing dead flies from the bathroom with a toothbrush.”
- Yousaf described Peter Murrell,former chief of the SNP and Sturgeon’s husband, as “a man whose nose is made out of dried and hardened pig’s arse” before saying “He’s the kind of fella who, if I gave him £5 he would be thanking me.” He also said “the dullard” was “too cunning by half, and he thinks too big for his own boots.”
- Yousaf said a “reptilian” Salmond “has more skeletons buried in his back garden than an Eighties heavy metal rockstar does in some old cemetary." The former first minister is, he added, “a total and utter twat who needs putting out of his misery”.
- He called Liz Truss “a fannie on legs” who “wears a size 28 fanny pant and yet she goes on telly and says she’s size eight.”

[Never Made it to Graceland]

Actual tears streaming down my face right now.

[CumbrianLefty]

Ah, we've missed these

[President Punxsutawney Phil]

#SNPinDisarray

[Cassius]

Alas, if Yousaf were intelligent or witty enough to make these kinds of remarks then he’d probably still be in office.

[It’s so Joever]

Endorsed for PM.

[Torrain]

This is hideous slander of all Scots, and I demand a retraction. None of us have ever thought about Alex Cole-Hamilton long enough to form an opinion on him.

Everything else - plausible.

[Joseph Cao]

I saw Humza Yousaf at a Tesco in Glasgow once. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything.
He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?”
I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.
The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.
When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Well, he's right about Salmond, at least.