Alfred's Hastily Constructed Cardboard Independence Movement

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

I thank President Alfred for his trust and humbly accept. In my first act as your Pontiff, I declare his brave actions to crush the tyrant scum as Holy and just, and whoever joins the efforts, will be rewarded in afterlife. And those not joining the Holy Plight does so at pain to being eternal dicks.

Pope Kalwejt I of Northeast

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

The doctrine of the Northeastern Catholic Church has been set in stone by the Pope Alfred.

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As the new Pontiff, I hereby proclaim this Encyclical to specify two particular points:

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Go in Peace.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

It is announced that one Chandler No Relation Woodcock of Maine has been martyred at the hands of the oppressors while fighting, along fellow patriots, for the Ganonsyonian cause. Those savages subjected him to five hours of loud Justin Bieber music. Brother Woodcock, however, refused to betray his Church and his Republic, so his head exploded. But his immortal soul lives on.

It is therefore proclaim Brother Woodcock is canonized as Saint Woodcock, Patron of Good Music. And his pagan murderers shall suffer an eternal eclesial punishment of never getting laid again.

Go in Peace.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

I'm an ecclesiastical leader, concerned with the souls of my brothers. To charge me with "crimes" would be nothing but prosecution on religious grounds.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Bacon King,

You have precisely 24 to cease legal threats against Brother Alfred. Otherwise, you shall stand a trail under the Northeast Catholic Church canon law for being mean*, which goes against the Church theology.

24 hours to stand down starting now.


* Well, you are actually quite nice to him, but the Church needs to do stuff

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

24 hours has passed, but I decided to take no futher action.

Why? I'm the Pope. Therefore, I don't have to explain myself.