A speech I have to give.

[tik 🪀✨]

Hey, sport. A few years back I ran with Everitt for the office of vice president of Atlasia. We nearly won! Are you excited about my help yet? I have decided to lend you my experience but only if you promise to make the costs for all of the products in the vending machines in the cafeteria divisible by 10 because fuck nickels.

Here is my revised draft of your speech, including actions you need to take.

STAND BEFORE PODIUM, SMILING. SHOW TEETH

Hello and thank you all for taking the time to listen to me right now concerning what I am about to tell you at the present time. If you don't know me, my name is..

SQUINT, LOOK AT YOUR CARDS AND SHUFFLE THEM

...Jackson comma Jerry. I am running for the office of reporter for Student Council. This is an exciting opportunity for me to have extra credentials when I apply for a slightly more upmarket community college. I also am a big fan of reporting and cards, unlike most of us!

PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER. YOU'VE GOT THEM OFF GUARD NOW, GO IN FOR THE KILL

Now, I want to be real with you. That's why I've decided to take off some of my clothes.

TAKE OFF AS MUCH OF YOUR CLOTHES AS IS REQUIRED TO BE TAKEN REALLY

I'd like everyone to be aware as I continue that my nipples are so hard they could cut diamonds. I have no ideas about what to do in this job. I am being honest. I cannot make any promises because I have no idea how much actual leeway in this role I have for setting any sort of policy about anything. This is the student council for fucks sake! What am I going to help do, take the minutes while a couple of blowhards decide what sort of dress code is suitable for the prom? A prom that I will probably not get a date for? No, no, no. All I want is an excuse to not go home for a couple of hours a week. Why?

LOOK DOWN AT YOUR CARDS, COUGH. STICK YOUR BIG TOE INTO THE PIN YOU'VE PLACED IN YOUR $15 DRESS SHOES FROM TARGET, IF YOU ARE STILL WEARING THEM, UNTIL YOU FEEL THE TEARS FLOWING

Because my mom is a nympho, and every time I come home from school she's either riding my Dad, or one of your dads. I can't take it anymore. I'd give my left nut, and bear in mind that's like my favourite one, to not have to put up with that sh**t when I get home.

COUGH, WIPE THE TEARS AWAY WITH A TISSUE. BEFORE THROWING IT AWAY, SNIFF IT AND PUT THAT MILDLY PLEASED LOOK ON YOUR FACE. NOT A FACE THAT SAYS "THIS IS A DELICIOUS RISSOTO!!" JUST ONE THAT SAYS, "THIS IS THE THIRD DAY OF 75 DEGREE WEATHER IN A ROW, HOW NICE" LOOK BACK AT YOUR AUDIENCE. IF THEY TOO ARE CRYING, YOU'VE WON THE VOTE.

Thank you all for your time, and remember: Vote for Jackson! A vote for Jackson is a vote for the children.