The National Weekly Atlasian

[SPC]

Presidential Race Heats Up
by South Park Conservative

29 August 2007 - We at the National Weekly Atlasian realize that the presidential race isn't for another two months, but the presidential race is still starting to heat up. A list of the events that have happened in the past week:

*Joke candidate GPorter stated that he would announce his presidential candidacy on Labor Day.
*Former SoEA Speed of Sound officially announced his presidential candidacy.
*Senator Keystone Phil resigned and effectively dropped out of the presidential race.
*Senator PBrunsel has been subject to a draft effort for president.
*The Progressive Caucus announced its presidential primary on Septemeber 29, between Fmr. SoEA Soed of Sound, Vice-Chair Sensei, Chief Justice Texasgurl, and President Wixted.

   Now, along with these effects that will have an effect on the presidential campaign in the National Weekly Atlasian's presidential straw poll on September 16. Given that this is only two weeks before the progressive primary, it is likely that the leading liberal in the straw poll will go on to sucess in the primary. 

[Hatman 🍁]

The progressive primary is not aligned with the progressive caucus.

[SPC]

The progressive primary is not aligned with the progressive caucus.

Oh, sorry about that.

[SPC]

PBrunsel defeats Afleitch
by South Park Conservative

04 September 2007 - Over this Labor Day weekend's special election, former President Afleitch performed an upset over former president and Senator PBrunsel, defeating the incumbent 8-6. While this newspaper has gotten into two feuds with the former President, we congratulate huim on his victory. Senator-elect Afleitch will likely be a swing vote in a heavily liberal 21th Senate.


The National Weekly Atlasian would like to remind Atlasians to buy tickets to the Presidential Straw Poll on September 21-23.

[Small Business Owner of Any Repute]

Senator-elect Afleitch will likely be a swing vote in a heavily liberal 21th Senate. [/tt]

The NLC is working very hard to turn that heavily liberal Senate into a heavily moderate one!

[Peter]

PBrunsel defeats Afleitch
by South Park Conservative

Thank Goodness!!!

[Јas]

PBrunsel defeats Afleitch
by South Park Conservative

Thank Goodness!!!

[Small Business Owner of Any Repute]

You must be logged in to read this quote.

[Ebowed]

Senator-elect Afleitch will likely be a swing vote in a heavily liberal 21th Senate.

LOL!  To this newspaper, a bill to ban dogfighting would be considered "extreme socialist" and "heavily leftist communist leaning"

[SPC]

PBrunsel defeats Afleitch
by South Park Conservative

Thank Goodness!!!

That was an intentionally incorrect headline, done in remembrance of "Dewey Defeats Truman".

Senator-elect Afleitch will likely be a swing vote in a heavily liberal 21th Senate.

LOL!  To this newspaper, a bill to ban dogfighting would be considered "extreme socialist" and "heavily leftist communist leaning"

Why do you equate things stated in toher parts of the forum to the Atlas Fatnasy stuff? I have made no mention of Michael Vick in this newspaper, so you should lay off. There, I said it.

[SPC]

Announcement
by South Park Conservative

18 September 2007 - I will be resigning as editor-in-chief, effective one week from today. the Straw Poll will still be held on September 21-23, and here is a preview of the ballot:

President
[  ] President Colin Wixted
[  ] Lt. Gov. South Park Conservative
[  ] Chief Justice Texasgurl
[  ] Lt. Gov. Sensei
[  ] Former Gov. Polnut
[  ] Gov. Jesus
[  ] GPorter
[  ] Write-in:_________

Vice-President
[  ] Vice-President Jas
[  ] Former Senator Masterjedi
[  ] Gov. Inks.LWC
[  ] Former SoEA Speed of Sound
[  ] Write-in: _____________

[HappyWarrior]

[X]Polnut and Jas

[Sensei]

[X]Polnut and Jas

it isnt until the 21st

[Small Business Owner of Any Repute]

[X]Polnut and Jas

it isnt until the 21st

I intend to go out and vote for GPorter every day up and until the election, for I fear that is the only way he can win—through massive voter fraud.

[Bacon King]

[X] GPorter

[DownWithTheLeft]

This paper should be revived

[AndrewTX]

Is SPC still active?

[Hash]

No. He left because he got humiliated in the election.

[Queen Mum Inks.LWC]

No. He left because he got humiliated in the election.

He's been back since then - not much, but he's done a few posts.

[SPC]

I am proud to announce that I am back from a four-month break from Atlasia, and will be reviving the National Weekly Atlasian, with fresh political commentary. I should note that over the time I've been gone, I've become even more Rothbardian, so don't be surprised by my borderline-anarchist viewpoints.

[SPC]

Comprehensive Drug Monstrosity
by South Park Conservative

10 March 2008 - In case you are unaware, the Comprehensive Drug Reform Act is currently on the floor of the Atlasian Senate. Here is the bill in it's original context, with my quelms with it italicized:

Comprehensive Drug Reform Bill of 2007

Section 1: Findings
1. Current Atlasian policy has led to the incarceration of millions of nonviolent drug users, as well as the devastation of several South American economies and environments, and an overall increase in violent crime associated with drug dealing and untreated addiction.
2. Current Atlasian policy treats drug addiction first and foremost as a criminal problem rather than a medical one.
3. Current Atlasian policy is inherently contradictory in that one of the most intoxicating and addictive substances known to man, alcohol, is legal while possession of softer drugs remains a criminal activity.
4. Current Atlasian policy places harsh sentencing and punishment ahead of harm minimization, effective drug education, and addiction treatment.

Section 2: Decriminalized Substances
1. All federal laws, as well as District of Columbia and federal territory laws, prohibiting the private possession, consumption, or profitless distribution of the following substances are repealed: 3,4-methylenedioxy-N-methylamphetamine (MDMA), mescaline, Peyote, psilocin, psilocybin, d-lysergic acid amide (LSA), lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD), salvia divinorum, dimethyltryptamine (DMT), ephedrine, opium, cocaine (including freebase cocaine), gamma-hydroxybutyrate (GHB), ibogaine, heroin, 5-methoxy-n,n-diisopropyltryptamine (5-MeO-DIPT), 2C-T-7, 2C-B, cathinone (khat), alpha-methyltryptamine (AMT), 5-OH-DMT, amphetamines, dextroamphetamine, methamphetamine, oxycodone, morphine, phencyclidine (PCP), benzylpiperazine, codeine, synthetic cannabinoids, marinol, and ketamine.
2. This section shall not be interpreted to legalize the sale or underage use of the listed substances.
3. All federal laws, including District of Columbia and federal territory laws, prohibiting certain forms of tobacco (including homegrown tobacco, smokeless tobacco, clove cigarettes, or N. rustica), alcohol (including absinthe, and all related ingredients), or associated paraphanelia (including rolling papers, rolling filter tips, matches, and water pipes) are repealed.

Section 3: Safe Injection Sites
1. The federal government will invest $10 million FY 2009 in the construction of a Safe Injection Site in the District of Columbia.
2. No person using illicit drugs inside of a Safe Injection Site may face prosecution of any kind in relation to the possession or consumption of the drug.
3. All persons entering the Safe Injection Site will be provided with clean needle syringes and any medical care necessary free of charge.

Section 4: Good Samaritan Provision
1. In all areas under federal jurisdiction, persons calling for medical help for a person who is suffering immediate health problems due to drug use may not face arrest charges for possession or consumption of illicit substances.

(Sponsor: Ebowed)

   First of all, Section 2.1 of this bill should simply read: All federal laws, as well as District of Columbia and federal territory laws, prohibiting the private possession, consumption, or profitless distribution of all substances are repealed. By listing out all the specific substances that would be repealed, it leaves the implication that there would be nothing wrong with criminilizing other substances.
   Second the provision saying that this shall not be used to sell to minors negates parental responsibility for their child. It should be up to the parents, not the Atlasian government, to tell their children what substances they can or cannot use.
   While my first two objections were mostly having to do with the semantics, this one I find particularly abhorrent. The idea that the Atlasian taxpayers should be forced to pay $10 million to construct a site for drug users is ridiculous. What if a taxpayer would rather use that money educating his children of the dangers of narcotics. Second, this is completely unnecesary. The invisible hand of the marketplace will insure that only drugs that are safe to use will be in business. Third, Section 3.3 is basically a trojan horse for a nationalized health care system. Would they Safe Injection Site have to care for medical needs completely irrelevent to the patients' drug addiction?
   In conclusion, I will support this bill, but only if it is amended to read like this:

You must be logged in to read this quote.

[SPC]

For the public's information, the National Weekly Atlasian is now hiring. Anyone who would like to serve as senior editor and junior editor, please say so in this thread. You will be given a job-application exam via PM if you are willing to work here. Thank you.

Editor-in-Chief South Park Conservative

[SPC]

Whores!
by Stephen Colbert

(Note: this was orginally broadcast on the Colbert Report on Monday, March 10, 2008)

12 March 2008 - Huge news today! You've seen the headlines: [Chief of Staff Mike Naso] admits involvement with a prostitution ring. I hope and pray that the press deals with this tastefully. The [Chief of Staff] was supposed to give a press conference today at 2:15 PM, but a whole hour passed before he spoke. To be fair, it is DST, and the [former] governor usually has a prostitute change his clocks. But, I want to make one thing perfectly clear. [Mike Naso]'s a friend of the show, and that never changes. I've sat down next to the guy three times, and I didn't pick up on any of this, and I usually have excellent whoredar.
   If you are just joining us, let me catch you up. Prominent [Keystone Phil] supporter [Mike Naso] embroils him in a campaign prostitution scandal. Personally, folks, I don't care, its a private matter.

[SPC]

The National Weekly Atlasian announces that it will resume giving vote rankings of our senators.

[SPC]

Public School Reform Madness, Part I
by South Park Conservative

20 March 2008 - In the Senate this week, a bill that has a disdain for both federalism and educational freedom has been proposed. Called the School Standards Reform Bill, the bill if enacted would set mandatory educational standards at the federal level. For example, the bill states that children shall be required to attend a government school for one-third of their lives until they graduate from high school. This is very totalitarian, as it forces innocent children beyond their will to attend a facility owned by the government that will teach a one-size fits all educational policy. Also, it mandates federal funding for education, meaning we wuld have an insane policy of Midwesterners funding Pacificans' educations and vice versa. To be continued...