Durrrrr! 2016! (Satire)

[Not a Partisan Hack ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)]

Hello atlas, I’ll be making a satirical look on how the 2016 election goes down, from the primaries to the presidential election itself. I will try my best to post something once a day and hope to take a not-so serious tone on how the election itself goes down.

[Not a Partisan Hack ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)]

REPUBLICAN PRIMARIES


We start off at the first major primary of the season.It’s in the middle of damn winter so that the turnover can be as low as possible(pesky RNC). It’s a snowy day and nobody could give a damn about who they were going to elect. The boring old people who have time on their hands start to go to the booths to choose their bonevolent president. Only chance can tell where the results are headed, and for the Iowans who cast their votes.

FLASHBACK




POLLING DATA


“NUMBERS ARE BORING!!“-some loser who doesn’t care about politics

TRUMPY -23%

Super religious Texan-22%

Some senator from Florida-17%

Some Black guy brain surgeon-8%
Some Libertarian who loves the republicans-7%

Low energy bro-5%

some other guys who won’t win total-18%
PICTURE OMMITED BECAUSE THEY DONT MATTER


A DAY BEFORE THE VOTE IS CAST

TRUMPY is working his way to victory, yet his plans are thwarted by the fact that the other so-Called losers he runs against try to demonize him. He is a representative of the common working man(even though this candidate go a head-start in life by getting a small loan of a million dollars). Nothing can stop this man, as he has a clear and clever way to be between the lines of being a businessman, never serving in office, or being a potty mouth. TRUMPY campaigns heavily through the depressed towns of Iowa that have suffered heavily from globalization and a revival of american enterprise.His populist stances will hopefullly allow Americans to get their jobs back (which sadly will be taken by robots also brought back w/ the jobs)

Low energy Bro travels the country saying everything in the most painful manner, boring much of his audience and causing his poll numbers not to even make the top three. Low energy man comes from and represents a state that doesn’t make you have to wear 3 layers of clothing so you don’t freeze and die. His campaign strategy is to stay in warm cabins because his low energy body can’t metabolize energy fast enough. Once he steps foot outside of the warm cabin, Jeb will roll in a ball and go into a deep sleep so that he doesn’t deplete his low energy body.

The next person to campaign in the middle of winter is also a man from Florida. He’s a senator, and his gleaming and handsome face keeps the ladies of Iowa close to him so that he doesn’t go into a deep sleep. Nothing is that much different from how low energy guy campaigns though.

Super religeuous guy from Texas comes to steal the vote of evangelicals from TRUMPY. TRUMPY and super religious guy compete to win the greatest amount of votes, which is fun for political junkies to see who can win the first primarie in contemporary american politics. Super religious guy is given the name “lyin’ ted” even though TRUMPY has made more untrue facts.

The black neurosurgeon is not expected to make much progress considering how few black voters there are to influece. His chance of winning the state is negligible.

The stupid libertarian wanted to run again, instead of making it look like he might win in the polls like he did last time in 2012, he is far behind in the polls who runs close to Low energy guy in his influence. He carries a don’t tread on me blanket as he drives in a overpriced RV to travel the state and get votes. Sorry kids, but libertarian ideals are only for cool people; being libertarian was SOOOO much cooler in 2012 you  sleazebag, but don’t expect edgy voters to push you over the top against TRUMPY and the other people you are running against.

[Not a Partisan Hack ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)]

THE DEMOCRATIC CONTENDERS

Polls

Ultimate Jewish Edgelord-48%


Feminist’s wet dream-48%



Doc Marty-4%




Bernie is the ultimate Jewish edgelord. Representing the state of vermont, his old and fraily body will handle the cold of the Iowa primary. He is anti-establishment, and is considered a cooler person than ron Paul, which represents the edgy libertarian-influenced side of the Republican Party. He wants to end up like the Nordic countries, providing extra benefits to those welfare queens that haunt the minds of conservatives. He faces against HillDog, a establishment democrat that for once isn’t a freakin’ man.

HillDog, is the representative of the mainstream democratic movement. She is more moderate than her opponent. She doesn’t really want to do anything dramatic, because she is under the influence(campaign contributions that is). Yeah, she doesn’t do any dramatic, because she doesn’t want those donors to throw a hissy fit. The Jewish edgelord is stealing votes away from HillDog, mainly young people who are not indoctrinated by the ideals of soviet left-wingery of an earlier era.

Doc Marty is an arrogant a-hole who comes from the overrated state of New York. He doesn’t deserve anymore explaination because he obviously won’t win against two people glorified by young people on the internet who are afraid of TRUMPY.

[President of the great nation of 🏳️‍⚧️]

Doc Marty is an arrogant a-hole who comes from the overrated state of New York. He doesn’t deserve anymore explaination because he obviously won’t win against two people glorified by young people on the internet who are afraid of TRUMPY.

He strikes me as a Maryland man.

[Not a Partisan Hack ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)]

Excerpts of Low energy bro’s speeches


LOW ENERGY BRO



Hello fellow voters, I’m Low energy bro and i have to drink a ton of coffee to sound remotely interesting. You need to have the ruthlessness to have a chance of voting for my boring butt for the presidency. You will all see that politics isn’t all fun and games as you might think it is, but making it boring was the standard that the founding fathers wanted it to be, not some liberal paradise where everything is fun and happy...

America faces many issues, some caused by are own figures of government. They don’t give a damn, and neither do you because they are boring like me...

Yeah, I know some of you are mad that some of your jobs were stolen by trade agreements that only benefit corporations, but trump’s protectionist stances are just slogans, and numbers and statistics are boring for Americans to care about. unless you are a statician yourself, you have nothing to worry about, except extra data plots...

This crap is really hard to write

[GM Team Member and Deputy PPT WB]

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[_]

This is ridiculous lol

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

best atlas thread 2018

[TNcon4]

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