Urban Regeneration Bill

[The Duke]

Open with NY skyline.  A black man with a squeeky voice and a little dog named Reggie rides his bike across the Brooklyn Bridge.

MAN: Hey, little Reggie, me and you man, we goin' to the top baby.  Big Time!

Suddenly, flaming object fly across the sky.  They hit buildings, they explode, throwing cars about, and causing mass destruction.



Cut to logo for Jerry Bruckheimer Films.



Cut to Black man again, standing above a crater created by the falling objects.

MAN: Somebody dial 911!

Cut to ticking clock, counting down from 18 days.

Cut to Pentagon exterior.

PRESIDENT'S VOICE: What hit us?

BILLY BOB THORNTON'S VOICE: Special Interests.

GENERAL'S VOICE: This morning, how big were those?

Cut to Cabinet Meeting, with Billy Bob on the television screen via video confference.

BILLY BOB: Those were not big Special Interests, just a few NUM lobbyists.

PRESIDENT: This new Special Interest you're tracking, how big is it?



BILLY BOB: Its a Special Interest Bill the size of Texas Mr. President.

Giant Special Interest moving towards Earth.



Cut to clock, 13 days and counting down.

BILLY BOB: Its what we call a global killer.  The end of mankind.  Half the world's population will be incinerated by the heat blast, the other half will freeze to death from the nuclear winter.  Basically the worst parts fo the Bible.

As he speaks, people run for cover awaiting the end of the world.

Cut to clock, 6 days.

BILLY BOB: Hitting this Special Interest from the outside won't do the job.

GENERAL: So we nuke it from the inside.  How?



BILLY BOB: We drill.  We bring in the world's best deep core driller, and blow this Pork Barrel Project from the inside.

Cut to a heroic Bruce Willis.



BRUCE WILLIS: The United States government has jsust asked us to save the world from Special Interests.  Anyone gonna say no?

OWEN WILSON: We're talking about space, right, outer space?  This is like, deep blue hero stuff.

WILL PATTEN: I'm there.

MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN: I'm with you.

STEVE BUSCEMI: Beam me up Scotty.

PRESIDENT: I want you all to know that everything that can be done to wage this terrible battle has been called into service.  Riders, filibusters, veto pens, everything.

The countdown sequence begins for our heros' rocket ship.

STEVE BUSCEMI: Hey Bruce, you know we're sittin' on 4 million toons of fuel, one nuclear weapon, and a thing that has 200,000 moving parts built by the lowest bidder.  Makes you feel good doesn't it?



Spaceship launches to dramatic music, off to blow up the Special Interests.  Spaceship flys around and stuff.

PRESIDENT: The hopes of all mankind are focused on the ten brave souls sitting in the well of the Senate.  Can they defeat this Special interest Giant?

This summer...

ASTRONAUT: Welcome to space.

STEVE BUSCEMI: About time, I haven't thrown up in about an hour.

Earth's darkest day...

BILLY BOB: I'd start praying about now.

Will be our finest hour.

NARRATOR: Touchstone Pictures Presents, Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thornton, Live Tyler, Ben Affleck, Will Patten, and Steve Buscemi.

BRUCE WILLIS: You don't have to worry about me and my team.  We're gonna get the job done.

Dramatic music and action packed scenes follow.  Then, cut music to only a drumroll.



Heads up.


The real Armageddon trailer can be seen here:

http://images.hollywood.com/images/quicktime/armageddon.mov

I urge all my Senators, including urging myself, to oppose this bill.

[The Duke]

A parody of the greatest movie tralier of all time, I thought it was funny anyway.

This is a special interest bill that tries to put regional interests ahead of national interests, and I oppose it.

You're trying to lure businesses to Union dominated states and away from right to work sunbelt states.  Unions have a greater hold in Michigan than Tennessee, so you want o make California taxpayers subsidize the big government rustbelt union machines in Ohio instead of having the various regions develop more business friendly enviroments.  This is a huge special interest bill, hence the parody.

[The Duke]

NIMBYism?  Do you even know what that is?  You're not building anything in my backyard, you're trying to move factories and jobs OUT of mny backyard.  Those are the very things I want IN my backyard.

Let's go through my Defense hikes one by one.  Which part of it was prok?  Is it pork to increase soldiers pay?  Is it pork to have a military large enough to do the job we ask of it?  Is it pork to build better aircraft than our adversaries?

And defense industry is not concentrated in the sunbelt.  Boeing for example is based in Washington state.

[The Duke]

The amount of manufacturing that will take place will only be enough to satisfy demand.  When one factory is needed, you don't build one in Michigan and Arizona, you just build in one.  Since no city in Arizona could possibly qualify as having historic importance to maufacturing, the tax breaks will go to people who build a factory in Michigan instead of Arizona, or move out of Arizona into Michigan.  The cities that qualify for tax breaks are almost exclusively going to be in the industrial midwest, and so the industrial midwest will begin to suck jobs in from other areas as businesses relocate to get tax breaks.

This will encourage these industrial states to keep on with their high tax, high regulation, closed shop policies, while those states that pursue growth oriented policies get screwed because they aren't of "historical importance".  So yes, this bill will result in a relocation of jobs and businesses from the sunbelt to the rustbelt.