What is the best part of New Jersey?

[John Dule]

The stretch of land between NOVA and NYC is the most desolate, uninhabitable place in the United States. Outside of Philly, DC, and Baltimore, it's a detestable cesspool of cheap plastic white fences, hideous condo complexes, retirement communities for neocons, waterfront docks that serve blue plate specials, dumb suburban wine moms driving Cadillac Escalades, government contractors, vacant parking lots, loathsome mcmansions made of particle board, tacky run-down strip malls, and office parks populated by gremlins who work in insurance or consulting. Everyone in this region is either a hollow corporate stooge or a high school dropout living in his auntie's house and eating funyuns. The land is waterlogged, the foliage is dense yet oddly unpleasant, and a thick layer of pollen residue covers everything. When I think of the Philly suburbs in NJ or the Baltimore suburbs in MD, I just picture a rusted 1996 Mustang covered in leaves sitting next to a chain-link fence and an old tricycle, owned by a guy named Stuart with a mullet who attends high school parties despite being 27. It's either that or the most boring buttoned-down straight-laced tie-wearing balding suburban dickweeds ever to slither out of a cul-de-sac.

I hate New Jersey, Delaware, and Maryland so much it's unreal. F**k these states, f**k the East Coast, and in fact, f**k everything east of the Rockies besides New England and Appalachia. And especially f**k Glen Burnie. You are not real humans and I will not recognize you as such.

[John Dule]

The stretch of land between NOVA and NYC is the most desolate, uninhabitable place in the United States. Outside of Philly, DC, and Baltimore, it's a detestable cesspool of cheap plastic white fences, hideous condo complexes, retirement communities for neocons, waterfront docks that serve blue plate specials, dumb suburban wine moms driving Cadillac Escalades, government contractors, vacant parking lots, loathsome mcmansions made of particle board, tacky run-down strip malls, and office parks populated by gremlins who work in insurance or consulting. Everyone in this region is either a hollow corporate stooge or a high school dropout living in his auntie's house and eating funyuns. The land is waterlogged, the foliage is dense yet oddly unpleasant, and a thick layer of pollen residue covers everything. When I think of the Philly suburbs in NJ or the Baltimore suburbs in MD, I just picture a rusted 1996 Mustang covered in leaves sitting next to a chain-link fence and an old tricycle, owned by a guy named Stuart with a mullet who attends high school parties despite being 27. It's either that or the most boring buttoned-down straight-laced tie-wearing balding suburban dickweeds ever to slither out of a cul-de-sac.

I hate New Jersey, Delaware, and Maryland so much it's unreal. F**k these states, f**k the East Coast, and in fact, f**k everything east of the Rockies besides New England and Appalachia. And especially f**k Glen Burnie. You are not real humans and I will not recognize you as such.

You people wear Hawaiian shirts and flip flops to work. West Coast opinions are invalid.

No self-respecting Appalachia resident would defend East Coast business culture. Return to your moonshining and stop shamelessly doing the bidding of suburbanite goblins who look down on you.